Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column.Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband’s sister is in a tough spot: her decisions led to losing her job and may cost her marriage, too. Currently, she and her two kids, who are in middle school, are staying with my in-laws, about an hour away. They’ve reached out to us privately, asking if we could take the kids on Saturdays. With my in-laws getting older and the kids struggling emotionally, it’s a tough situation for everyone involved.
We’ve recently had a baby, and honestly, I was hesitant about accommodating two middle schoolers alongside all the baby care, chores, and sleep deprivation. Finances and time are already quite tight. Plus, I’m still dealing with physical therapy from childbirth. But I did agree to take the kids on Saturdays, with one condition: my husband would handle most of their care. He’s been good about planning activities and isn’t shy about setting rules or saying no when needed.
However, there’s one major hurdle: food. My husband has always steered clear of grocery shopping and cooking. If meals are lacking, he’d rather let it go than make a run to the store. One of the kids has specific dietary needs that we weren’t informed about until my mother-in-law dropped them off. I’m already struggling to keep myself fed (I’m constantly hungry from breastfeeding and working to maintain my weight). Planning and budgeting for these special, brand-name foods from a store 45 minutes away is just not feasible!
I told my husband I couldn’t manage it, which led to a pretty big argument. I don’t want the child to go hungry, but I really can’t take on anything else right now.
—Last Straw
Dear Last Straw,
Please don’t take on this responsibility! Your husband should be able to manage feeding the kids he’s looking after. If you can, try to prepare meals for everyone that fit the dietary needs, or at least keep some snacks around that work for them when you do your regular grocery shopping.
But this isn’t solely your job to handle. If your husband can’t provide food for these children, then they shouldn’t be coming over. Unless his work schedule prohibits grocery shopping, I’m not sure the excuse of simply not wanting to do it is valid. It feels like he’s making it difficult on purpose. If you give in now, he might never pull his weight.
Make it clear to your husband that it’s unreasonable for him to not provide food for his niece and nephew, especially considering what you are going through postpartum. Reaffirm that you won’t take on this role, and if he continues to allow the kids over without appropriate care, consider discussing this with your in-laws. Your sister-in-law may need to find other arrangements. If this is a recurring issue with your husband’s involvement around the house, maybe couples counseling could help.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law, “Lola,” has struggled with hoarding for the past 15 years, since my husband was in high school (his father divorced her over it). Since the pandemic, the situation has worsened, and her home is overflowing with piles of stuff that almost touch the ceiling, leaving only tight “passageways” for navigation.
Two years ago, we welcomed our son, “Scott,” and Lola has been eager for us to bring him over. I refuse to do so because her home isn’t safe for a toddler, or for her, really. My husband thinks we can simply monitor Scott while we’re there. I’ve told Lola that I’d be open to visits if she cleans her house up to a safe standard, but she hasn’t agreed, saying, “I don’t tell you what to do in your home.” This has become a point of contention between my husband and me. I’m in the right here, aren’t I?
—No Visiting Grandma’s Garbage Dump
Dear No Visiting,
You’re absolutely correct. Keep your child away from Grandma’s house until she makes significant changes. If you’re willing, you could offer to help organize, but if the situation is as critical as it sounds, she may refuse assistance. Communicate to your husband that this isn’t just a personal issue with his mother; her home truly poses safety risks. Emphasize that she needs professional help and brainstorm ways to assist her towards that. Hoarding is serious, and denying her grandchild a visit won’t resolve it. Your child’s safety should come first, and you shouldn’t compromise it to keep peace between your husband and his mother.
—Jamilah
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