Dear Abby Letters

Dear Abby: I’m a retired Marine who married the director’s daughter, whom I call “Zoey.” We were close friends. After we divorced in 1997, I learned that her father isn’t actually her biological dad. This family secret came to light by accident.

Zoey and I had a daughter named “Elly.” I was really upset when I found out, at her age 13, that I wasn’t her biological father. Eventually, I came to see Elly as my own child because I had been the only father she knew, and that wouldn’t change.

Now, years later, I’ve remarried and raised two stepchildren as my own. Elly has three kids of her own. Sometimes, I wonder if I should tell her the truth about her biological father. What do you think I should do? – History in Alabama repeats itself

Dear HR: You’re clearly a caring and responsible person. It sounds like you and Elly have a strong bond. She deserves to know that you are not her biological father, even if you love her deeply. Is there any way to find out who her biological dad is? This info could be crucial for health-related reasons for her and her children.

Dear Abby: Four months ago, my oldest child, who was 15, tragically passed away in a car accident. This has been incredibly tough. My husband and I are doing our best to support our younger children and restore some normalcy in our lives.

One issue I’m facing is the influx of emails from my estranged relatives. None of them attended the memorial, yet my aunt, uncle, cousin, and even my father’s ex-wife sent cards and messages expressing their condolences. I have a private phone number and email and avoid social media, so all of this correspondence is through traditional mail. There’s a reason we’ve lost touch.

I simply don’t have the energy to re-establish these relationships right now, especially not after such a loss. Still, I feel like their messages are sent with good intentions, and ignoring them feels cold. Is there a way I can provide some form of acknowledgment without fully reopening old wounds? I’d like to respond politely while maintaining the distance I need. – Distance in Alaska

Dear Distant: I’m so sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your child. You might consider buying or printing a standard card that says something like, “(blank) families appreciate and acknowledge your kind expression of sympathy.” This could convey your recognition of their condolences, while keeping it impersonal. Adding a few handwritten words can add a warm touch. You can simply sign it, maybe adding a line like, “I hope you and your family are well.”