Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law, “Patricia,” has been sober for six years. Recently, my sister required my help taking her and my 1-year-old nephew to a pediatric appointment since her car wasn’t working. I left my 3-year-old son, “Harry,” with Patricia.
While I was out, I got a call from a neighbor. She found Harry alone and crying in the neighborhood. He told her, “Grandma won’t wake up.” She took him back to our house and found Patricia passed out. A nearly empty Scotch bottle that we had intended to re-gift was on the floor. My neighbor called 911, and Patricia had to stay in the hospital for two days due to alcohol poisoning.
Now, my husband is blaming me for not hiding the Scotch better, as I know his mother’s history. The bottle was in our pantry, hidden behind cereal boxes; it wasn’t exactly easy to see. Honestly, it never occurred to me to hide it. Of course, it’s terrible that Patricia relapsed and fell seriously ill, but it could have been much worse for Harry, who was outside looking for help. My husband doesn’t seem to register this. Though Patricia is very sorry, I no longer want her to babysit Harry alone. My husband believes I’m trying to “punish” her for what occurred. He thinks it won’t be an issue in the future since we generally don’t keep alcohol at home. Am I overreacting?
—A Terrible Time to Fall Off the Wagon
Dear Terrible Time,
It’s hard for me to say definitively if banning Patricia from babysitting is “going too far.” It seems she has been reliable in the past, so I can’t judge that based on your account alone. You’re in a better position to assess whether this incident is out of character for her. Your husband’s reasoning—that it can’t happen again since there won’t be alcohol in the house—is weak.
The real concern, I think, is your husband’s response. He seems to be placing blame on you, which isn’t healthy. This reaction suggests he might be following patterns he learned growing up, where rationalizing his mother’s drinking involved shifting responsibility to others. It’s also concerning that he gets upset about you wanting to distance her from babysitting, particularly given the serious risk Harry faced.
It’s important for both of you to address this tension now. If it’s hard to talk about without escalating into conflict, consider seeking help. For now, I would recommend not leaving Harry with her. You can revisit this choice later, without making a big deal about it. Just take a step back and see how things develop.
If your husband isn’t supportive of this plan, it might be helpful to continue the conversation with a marriage counselor.
—Michelle
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