Dear Abby: My mother, who is in her early 80s, seems to be increasingly avoiding visits with me and my siblings. It hasn’t always been this way. In the past, she welcomed my family when we came over. Just last year, after she had a fall, I stayed with her for a few days and helped out.
My brother has suggested that she feels “over-them,” but I only started noticing this shift recently. Now, our phone calls feel shorter. Even though I’ve lived over five hours away since high school, I’ve always kept in touch regularly. If I miss a call, I’d usually reach out. But now, if I don’t initiate, I don’t hear from her. When I ask about her and my family, she seems to rush off the phone.
Is this normal? Is she maybe hiding something? Does she feel guilty? Should my brother and I be concerned, or is it just her way of wanting some space at her age? She’s always been a wonderful mom, and we love her, but it feels strange that we can’t just have a direct conversation. What should we do? – I’m worried about my mom
Dear person: It might not be typical for your family, but it’s worth getting everyone together to express your concerns. Tell her that you’re worried because of her behavior and that your siblings feel like she’s distancing herself. Perhaps there’s some truth to it? It could be they’re too reliant on her. Let her know you love her because drastic changes in older people’s behavior can be signs of underlying issues. Then, listen to her response.
Dear Abby: I moved in with two friends last year, and while I appreciate their company, the situation is becoming tense. One roommate tends to drink heavily and can be verbally abusive, even getting physical once, which left me with bruises. I care about him, but I’m unsure how much longer I can stay here.
When I think of leaving, it feels like I’m abandoning him. He can be very kind when he’s sober. I’m torn between wanting to help him and needing to protect myself. What should I do? – A scared friend in California
Dear Friend: When your roommate is sober, try to have an honest conversation about his behavior. Let him know you can’t tolerate the abuse anymore.
If he’s open to it, suggest he look for support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous or SMART Recovery, which are common in many areas. Be prepared for defensiveness; that’s quite typical for people struggling with addiction. Remember, you can’t fix him, but prioritizing your own well-being is essential, and relocating might just be what you need.
Dear Abby was created by Abigail Van Buren, known as Jeanne Phillips, and originated from her mother, Pauline Phillips. For more information, contact Dear Abby at www.dearabby.com or write to PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
