Dear Abby Letters

Dear Abby: I’m usually quite neat and organized, but my wife, well, she’s the opposite. I knew this about her before we tied the knot, yet we made a promise that she would make an effort to be tidier if we lived together. Sadly, that hasn’t happened.

Every time she comes home, her keys, bag, and mail land on any flat surface. Instead of putting things away, she just piles them up, which means I feel surrounded by clutter. Our bed often ends up with clothes and other items stacked high—sometimes about two feet.

I find myself constantly cleaning up after her, and honestly, it’s exhausting. I feel like I’m the only one managing the house, and her lack of effort is really stressing me out. I’ve tried to calmly discuss this, set some boundaries regarding the mess, and even, out of frustration, mentioned divorce. But nothing changes. I’m at a loss.

I truly love my wife and don’t want this to ruin our marriage, but the ongoing chaos is affecting my mental health and our relationship. How can I encourage understanding and cooperation? I want her to find a solution that works for both of us, without making her feel criticized or attacked. –– Messed up

Dear Mess: A few things come to mind. It’s clear that you, being a “super decent” guy, knew about your wife’s messy habits before marriage. But besides considering divorce, could you perhaps set aside specific areas in the house to keep tidy? If that’s not an option, some couples choose to live separately. Relationship mediation might help your wife get the point you’ve been trying to convey, even if it hasn’t come through so far. Just a heads-up, though—long-held habits can be tough to change.

Dear Abby: My 24-year-old daughter is getting married in 10 months. My wife is invited, but I’m upset because I didn’t get an invitation. The groom’s family is footing the bill, yet I was excluded for “financial reasons.”

To be honest, my relationship with my daughter isn’t very strong, but that’s beside the point. I told my wife that if our roles were reversed and I were left out, I wouldn’t attend. This situation could be a real problem for me; it appears that my marriage doesn’t mean as much to my wife as it does to me. What are your thoughts? — Lost in Texas

Dear Lost: It seems unfair for your daughter to put her mother in this position. Doing this could create tension in your marriage. You and your wife might want to seek a referral from your doctor to a licensed marriage and family therapist to address this issue before it causes further strain on your relationship. Does your wife really need to skip the wedding? My opinion isn’t as crucial as what she decides to do.