Dear Abby Letters

Dear Abby: I’m the youngest of five, with three brothers and two sisters. My only close bond growing up was with my sister, Sarah. It always felt like our mothers didn’t really want us, though. I sensed that Sarah was mourning something deeper.

Discipline in our house came in a harsh way. Whenever something went wrong, my mom would line us up, saying if the culprit didn’t confess, we’d all face punishment. Sarah often got frustrated, and I couldn’t handle it; I ended up hitting her one time. My mom yelled at me, demanding to know why I did that, but honestly, I just lost my temper. She punished me until I was too tired to argue anymore.

Now that I’ve grown up, I see that the real culprit probably knew they could keep quiet while I took the blame. Most people probably still think I was the one who did it. And the truth is, Sarah was devastated because her brother had abused her, but our mom never believed her.

Now, I feel like an outcast within my family. It seems like everyone wants nothing to do with me. Is this just how it’s going to be, or is there a chance for change? — Indiana Family Disaster

Dear family disaster: It sounds like you and your siblings grew up in a truly toxic situation. The impact of your mother’s abusive behavior has clearly affected everyone. While you can’t control your brother’s view of you, perhaps Sarah could help clarify what really happened back then. Reading your letter feels like diving into a nightmare.

It might also be beneficial for you to seek counseling to address the trauma of your past. If that seems like a good option, I encourage you to pursue it. If you need more resources, consider visiting RAINN for support.

Dear Abby: After my mother passed away a decade ago, my father moved in with me. He’s 74 and generally healthy but struggles with ongoing depression and social anxiety. He refuses to take his medication and is critical of most family members and friends, even though he has ample chances to socialize.

On the brighter side, he helps with cooking and manages to work out. However, his ongoing depression has created so much tension that I often avoid conversations with him. I dread hearing the negative comments he tends to make. If I bring anything up, it usually leads to an argument or some kind of insult.

I’m feeling worn out. I know he can’t manage alone, but I’m at a loss about what to do. He’s been seeing doctors and therapists but shows no interest in really engaging in treatment. What should I do? — Tired in New Jersey

To all of you who are exhausted: The next time you find yourself in a heated moment with your dad, don’t hesitate to speak up. Let him know you can no longer handle the tension created by his depression and addiction and that he needs to seek help or make other living arrangements. Set a clear deadline for him to respond to as well.

If there’s a senior center nearby, you might find additional resources for managing a situation with a resistant parent. Your local Area Agency on Aging could also have helpful guidance.