How to Do It is a sex advice column.Have a question?Send it here anonymously.
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I visited his parents for Christmas. His mom has always disregarded boundaries to some extent, but we figured it would be safe to be intimate around 3 a.m. Who would be up at that hour, right? Well, we were wrong.
My mother-in-law had something urgent to discuss and walked in on us. The morning after was awkward, but I thought it was just a silly mistake, and that would be it. But now, it seems to have ended our sex life—my husband hasn’t been able to perform since the incident. I’ve tried various things—anything from new underwear to oral sex—but nothing seems to work. We’re both really anxious and don’t know which way to turn. Help!
—Trying to Raise the Dead
Dear Trying to Raise the Dead,
Take a breath. Some time has passed, and you’ve identified the cause of the erectile dysfunction. Many people reach out here without any idea about the reason for similar issues. At least you’ve got a starting point. Not the one you wanted, but it’s something.
I suggest working on letting go of the intrusive thoughts regarding this incident. Therapy or meditation might be beneficial. I discussed some techniques in a prior column, so it may help to refer back to that. It’s been my experience that building a meditation habit allows me to guide my focus better. It’s not foolproof—I still get haunted by certain thoughts now and then—but I’m coping better than before. Your instinct to help the situation is commendable, but this may be more than you can handle alone. If your husband feels ashamed or like his boundaries have been crossed, it could impede him, especially if he now associates intimacy with his mom. In that case, counseling might really assist him, but he may also need to work through this on his own.
You might also want to consider some external aids for his erectile issues. He might not strictly require medications like Viagra, but having them can alleviate the anxiety that often worsens erectile dysfunction. Many find these medications effective, and while some men do experience side effects, it could be worth the minimal risk for helping him get over this hurdle.
Additionally, focus on intimate experiences that don’t depend on him being erect. Perhaps you can explore oral or manual stimulation, or introduce some toys. This could help him feel more at ease and maybe reignite his ability to perform. Remember, this was a recent, unsettling experience, so some time and patience are key.
—Rich
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