Parenting often brings up some really tough ethical questions. Take, for instance, whether or not you should share details about something like your “sex addiction” with your kids. For most, the answer might be a clear no.
Yet, for one reader of the New York Times Magazine, things aren’t so straightforward. This person said, “My wife and I are navigating the complexities of truth-telling in our family. We’ve been married for years and have two teenagers. For much of my marriage, I was living a double life fueled by compulsive sexual behavior, which escalated over time. A few years back, my wife found out the truth, and it shattered her trust, nearly ending our marriage.” Their children, it seems, are doing well—they’re happy, active, and unaware of the deeper issues plaguing their parents. They know their relationship is rocky and that therapy is involved, but they don’t have any idea about the betrayal or the addiction.
As the reader continues, they share their struggle with whether they should inform their kids about the underlying issues. “My wife feels we might have a moral duty to tell them the truth, albeit without going into graphic detail. She worries that keeping this from them could lead to a future deception and might hurt their trust. I, on the other hand, fear that discussing it would unfairly burden them with adult issues that don’t belong to them, potentially harming their development and our bond.”
This person seems to be grappling with their instincts. There’s something to consider regarding the wife’s motivations; they could be more about retribution than genuine concern for the children’s well-being.
The man reflects further, asking, “Do parents really need to reveal past betrayals that have significantly impacted their family, even if it risks unintentionally causing harm? If some honesty is warranted, what does that even look like?”
Ultimately, it stands that parents aren’t really “obligated” to share details of their personal lives with their children.
An advice columnist from NYT Magazine noted that while transparency is valuable, it isn’t the sole consideration. They suggested the man think carefully about what details are appropriate, stating, “There’s no perfect checklist for disclosures. Saying ‘there was a breach of trust’ is one thing; saying ‘I was unfaithful’ is another, but specifics like ‘I counted how many women’ might go too far.”
It’s wise to steer clear of dropping phrases like, “Hey kids, your dad went to a special massage parlor last month.”
In fact, perhaps this man might take a page from how Irish people handle their feelings, as comedian John Mulaney pointed out—the Irish often keep things bottled up, perhaps believing that it’s best to leave emotions unresolved until later.
