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Dear Care and Feeding,
My 16-year-old niece, “Vada,” has inherited her father’s prominent nose—it’s really noticeable, and she has struggled with it since childhood. She’s faced teasing for years and has expressed her desire for a nose job since she was about 10, but her parents (my brother and sister-in-law) have never supported her wish. I remember how tough it was growing up with prominent ears, and it took a long time for my parents to let me correct them. So I can relate to her situation.
I don’t have children myself, but I’m in a fortunate position financially, so I decided to save for Vada’s surgery starting when she turned 13.
Last summer, I managed to arrange a consultation with a recommended plastic surgeon, and in October and November, I took Vada for her appointments. We planned her surgery while my brother and his wife were away in Europe, as they had agreed to let Vada stay with me during their trip.
I’m pleased to say that the surgery went well, and Vada is over the moon with how her nose looks now. However, my brother and sister-in-law are understandably upset that I went behind their backs. Honestly, I think they should reflect on their stance since they’ve put little emphasis on their daughter’s happiness and self-esteem. Vada wanted this not for trivial reasons but to feel better about herself. Was it really so wrong of me to care enough about her to help make her wish come true?
—Empathetic Aunt
Dear Empathetic,
What you did wasn’t right, period. You went against your brother and sister-in-law’s wishes, allowing Vada to disregard their decisions and facilitating surgery for a minor who is not your child. Depending on your location, there could be legal consequences—how did Vada manage to access medical care without consent from her guardians? It would have been better to wait until she turned 18, allowing her to make that decision for herself. Surgery comes with risks, including complications from anesthesia. What if something had gone wrong? What if she ended up unhappy with the results? This was a risky choice.
That said, your situation does remind me of a song by Whitney Houston: “It’s not right, but it’s OK.” The surgery was successful, and hopefully, Vada will face less teasing now. But, will your relationship with her parents heal? Will they trust you with Vada again? While it’s great that she feels happier, it’s important to recognize why her parents are upset. They could justifiably wish to protect her from unnecessary risks. You may have enhanced Vada’s quality of life, but I hope it doesn’t come at too high a cost for you.
—Jamilah
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