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Dear Pay Dirt,
About six months ago, my neighbor, “Pat,” introduced me to another neighbor, “Doris.” Doris is in her 90s and has been completely blind for a year. She is such a sweet woman, and knowing she lives alone, I began visiting her weekly. Initially, she had a fantastic full-time helper who had been by her side for five years, but sadly, that helper moved away a few months back, and no one has stepped in to replace her.
Doris is quite active for her age and can navigate her condo independently. Still, her blindness means she struggles with tasks like cooking, cleaning, or even calling people she can’t remember the numbers for.
To sum it up, Pat and I have essentially taken on the responsibility of prepping almost all of Doris’s meals. She does have some weekend assistance and two family members who visit occasionally during the week. However, Pat and I have made it clear—with notes and conversations—that what we’re doing isn’t sustainable. With summer approaching, my two young kids will be home full-time, which complicates things further. While I realize that Doris’s challenges aren’t my responsibility, it’s really tough not to feel guilty about her situation, particularly when I can’t help. Just recently, I had to step away for a day, and despite giving her and her family ample notice, when I returned, she told me no one had visited. She lived on just a banana and a few pistachios all day because that was all she could find.
What are my options? I’m not sure about her finances, but she owns a condo, and I doubt money is the issue. Is there a number I can call to check on her well-being? I think it might prompt her family to step up. I would even help find a place for her to receive full-time care, but I don’t have access to her information. Being blind, she can’t find the resources herself.
—This Is Not Sustainable
Dear This Is Not Sustainable,
It’s clear you have a good heart, but that’s partly why the situation has become so overwhelming. You’ve been acting as an unpaid caregiver for someone else’s family member, and it seems the family hasn’t stepped up. That needs to change.
Begin with two straightforward conversations. First, talk to Doris—kindly but clearly—about how much you enjoy spending time with her, but that you won’t be able to continue providing the same level of support after a specific date. She deserves to know what’s coming to advocate for herself. Then, reach out directly to her family: no notes or hints, but a forthright conversation. Let them know you and Pat will stop providing meals and care after a set date, emphasizing that they need to have a plan in place by then. Offering some help in creating that plan or hiring someone is fine, but be firm about your cutoff date; it makes it harder to dismiss your words.
If the family doesn’t respond positively, consider contacting your local Area Agency on Aging. These organizations can connect seniors to services like Meals on Wheels and home health aides—often at little or no cost—and guide families on arranging real assistance. You could also explore assisted living options and provide that information to Doris and her family. You’re not responsible for implementing this transition, but you can make it harder for them to maintain the status quo.
If Doris still lacks proper care or sustenance after your deadline, that is classified as neglect. Adult Protective Services are there for situations like this, so it would be worth contacting them for a wellness check.
The hardest part will be setting the date and stating to Doris that your support won’t be as extensive. Let’s hope she and her family will appreciate your effort, thank you, and start planning her next steps in care.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
My husband and I have become the go-to venue for family gatherings since we have a spacious home, a great location, and we love to entertain. My in-laws are wonderful, and my sisters and their families are a delight. However, my issue is with my older step-sisters; they have adopted the attitudes of self-centered teenagers despite being in their forties.
