How to Do It is a column that provides sex advice.Got a question? You can send it anonymously.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife has a peculiar issue that I’ve grown tired of: She refuses to have sex while we’re guests at someone else’s house, claiming it’s “rude.” To be honest, it’s frustrating. I mean, we’ve hosted guests before who clearly didn’t have any such qualms. We’re going to stay with friends in Jamaica soon, and I’m not keen on the idea of going that long without intimacy. How do I get her to see this is a bit unreasonable?
—Potential Island Incel
Dear Potential Island Incel,
I see your point, but I don’t think she’s entirely wrong. Maybe she’s being overly cautious, but her reasoning stands. Sex can get messy and loud—something you might not want to impose on others. Just because it has happened before at your place doesn’t lessen her feelings; it may not feel fair to her. It’s also possible she feels awkward about leaving a mark in someone else’s home. You might have to respect her feelings to an extent.
Ultimately, you can’t force her. If she doesn’t want to, you can’t change that. Perhaps consider finding a more private location nearby, or even a hotel for a night? But yes, you might have to endure until August without sex. You’ll manage, I assure you.
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve known my husband was bisexual when we got married five years ago. He indicated he’d give up men for me, but now it seems he needs to watch gay porn to get aroused before we have sex. He says it helps him “get going.” I’m not keen on opening up our marriage, but I’m also worried about losing him if he feels unfulfilled. Should we have a serious talk about letting him see men on the side?
—Willing to Give Him the Best of Both Worlds
Dear Willing to Give Him the Best of Both Worlds,
It’s commendable that you’re considering opening up your relationship for your husband. However, you should really contemplate how you feel about that idea. There might be discomfort in the concept; how would you handle it in reality? Sure, it might be easier than you think, but it could also be destabilizing. Here, your feelings are paramount, and you shouldn’t make an offer unless you’re confident you can handle it.
More importantly, you need to discuss his sexual needs and how he views his bisexuality within your marriage. Let him voice if he desires an open relationship. Would you like to know beforehand, afterward, or be involved? These are significant conversations. Also, consider exploring literature on relationships to gather more insight.
Dear How to Do It,
I just married an amazing man a month ago. We’ve lived together for almost four years, and while I think we’re doing well, I want our sex life to improve. I recently ordered a custom chastity cage for myself, but I’m uncertain about its effectiveness. If it doesn’t work, I’m unsure what to try next.
The issue is that I struggle with getting hard and even more with climaxing. It’s less of a problem when I’m by myself. Mostly, I want to enjoy a more fulfilling sex life without feeling pressure or disappointment.
My husband has reassured me that it’s okay if I don’t always climax or have issues with arousal. Yet, the worry that our sex life could be better lingers, complicating my situation. He has mentioned he’d appreciate it if I initiated more often, and I know I would if I had the key to the chastity device. This might just create a positive cycle where I feel more eager and satisfied.
In my search for information about chastity, I noticed that few people seem to be in a similar situation as mine—I’m not particularly drawn to chastity kinks. I just want better sex. Is there a simpler path to achieve this?
—Locking In
Dear Locking In,
Trying out the cage could be worthwhile. Often, advice for overcoming unique masturbation habits suggests taking breaks. As Ian Kerner discusses in his work, over-familiarity with certain techniques can inhibit performance during partnered experiences. Implementing a device could help you manage the pressures you’re encountering.
Remember, it’s not about adhering to others’ expectations. You’re pursuing the best for yourself and your partner, and that’s what matters.
Don’t put pressure on yourself if things don’t perfectly fall into place. You’re enjoying a great sex life already. If the cage isn’t the solution, you might explore options like prescription medications or other devices that could enhance your experience. Just keep in mind that everyone’s path is different.
—Rich
