Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m struggling with my anger toward my husband over a healthcare decision he’s made. He’s 70 and recently diagnosed with intermediate-stage prostate cancer, but thankfully, tests show it hasn’t spread.
He’s considering surgery to remove the prostate but wants to delay it for a year. I understand his concern about potential side effects, like incontinence and erectile dysfunction. Yet, the doctors have warned that waiting could lead to the cancer spreading, making surgery impossible later on.
The frustrating part is that undergoing surgery sooner might reduce the risk of those side effects. I respect his autonomy, but I can’t shake my feelings of anger and anxiety about the cancer potentially worsening. I want to support him, but my emotions are starting to surface, and he knows I’m worried.
—Struggling Wife
Dear Struggling Wife,
You’ve been open about your concerns, but have you shared your fears of losing him and your frustration over his choice? Being completely honest might feel liberating. It’s not just about annoyance here—this is a genuinely serious health matter. He likely has fears about the surgery as well, so it’s important to communicate how you’re feeling. Acknowledging your concerns while accepting his decision is vital. He needs to understand its impact on his health and your relationship.
If he insists on postponing his surgery, consider a couple of coping strategies. Encourage him to consult his doctor about ways to improve his chances through diet and exercise. Also, embrace your fear and let it guide you in appreciating the time you have together. If the cancer does spread, think about the meaningful moments you want to create now. Start today.
Dear Prudence,
I’m caught in what feels like a ridiculous argument with my wife about our attic. We have a lot of old stuff, mostly useless now. I think having a garage sale would be a good idea—get some extra cash and donate what doesn’t sell. But my wife insists garage sales are “tacky” and that we should just donate everything, claiming selling items when people are in need is “selfish.” I’m really frustrated! Other neighbors have had garage sales without issue. Help me out here!
—Garage Sale Grumbling
Dear Garage Sale Grumbling,
Did your letter just arrive from 1998? Garage sale debates are so outdated. Consider using Facebook Marketplace, NextDoor, or OfferUp instead.
Now, I can’t really judge if your attic treasures are worth selling, but you might be pleasantly surprised by their actual value. Donating isn’t always straightforward, but you could find some appropriate items to take to a nonprofit while letting your wife enjoy the act of giving. Then, you could list the rest online, keeping the prices flexible to attract interest. Anything that doesn’t sell could go to local Buy Nothing Groups. Someone might gladly take a dusty lamp off your hands!
Perhaps you both could try to be a bit nicer about this? Having a clean attic won’t bring you joy if you’re just arguing about it.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, sometimes disagreeing with Prudie’s advice or wanting to lend additional guidance. Each week, Prudie will respond to some of these reader comments, shared on Fridays for members. Write to us!
Dear Prudence,
How do I get my husband to see that his ex-wife and adult son are just using him? They show him no respect but always ask for help when there’s a problem. I feel angry and frustrated.
—Husband Can’t Say No
Dear Husband Can’t Say No,
Your husband might already recognize that his ex and son are using him, but perhaps he enjoys feeling useful. It’s possible he feels indebted to them or fears losing his relationship with his child. While these aren’t great reasons for his behavior, they could be why he continues to help them.
Do you think understanding his perspective on this dynamic would be helpful for you? If so, gently ask him how he feels when he rushes to help them with tasks or when he co-signs loans. If you find it unhelpful, focus instead on what you want from him: less financial support, keeping plans with you, and perhaps not sharing all the frustrating details of his interactions with them.
Classic Prudie
Years ago, my sister passed away, leaving her four children orphans. With my preteen stepdaughter and toddler, we faced tough choices—separating the kids or considering foster care was heartbreaking. My stepdaughter gave up her room for her cousins and moved back in with her mother. My husband attended every recital and game, even when I was unable to. Recently, when we anticipated an engagement announcement from my stepdaughter and her girlfriend, we instead received a somewhat polished critique about how awful we were as guardians in her upbringing.
