A heartbroken mother emotionally shares how her 22-year-old “free spirit” daughter committed suicide during a 10-day intensive meditation retreat, an ancient mindfulness practice often compared to “mental surgery” warning others of the potential dangers of ”
Natalie St. Maurice from Ontario, Canada, recalled on a recent episode of the Financial Times’ Untold podcast series:The Retreat”, how she learned that her daughter Jaki McDermott took her own life in October 2022 after attending a Vipassana retreat.
“It was completely unthinkable. It was unbelievable. And I remember falling to the ground. Oh, it was terrible,” she said.
Jaki, an experienced meditator, travels around the country in a van he converted into a mobile home, posting information about van life on his Facebook page.
She was working as a tree planter on a farm in British Columbia in the spring of 2022 when she decided to sign up for Indian guru SN Goenka’s retreat in Merritt, Canada.
The retreat includes a long period of silent meditation lasting up to 10 or 11 hours each day. Participants live in modest quarters and must refrain from reading, writing, or even talking to other students.
The 2,500-year-old meditation technique, also known as “mind surgery,” is practiced by wealthy celebrities including Oprah Winfrey, Twitter founder Jack Dorsey and pop star Katy Perry. Therefore, it is attracting attention again in modern times.
The application process included a mental health history questionnaire in which Jaki admitted to having had suicidal thoughts as a teenager, but said she had not had such thoughts in seven years. .
Upon arrival at the meditation facility, the volunteer received her cell phone and van keys for the duration of the retreat, per center policy.
After nine days of intensive daily meditation (10-hour sessions starting at 4 a.m.), Jaki “left the course in the middle of the night” and staff were unable to find her.
Natalie would later learn that Jaki had been experiencing emotional turmoil in the days leading up to his disappearance.
“The office administrator who contacted us called the co-teacher and he basically said, she had a rough day, she was crying. That’s all I knew,” Natalie told host Marriage.
“She was clearly having a hard time. So we said, ‘So you put her to bed?’ And he was like, ‘Well, I was going to work on that tomorrow.’ ”
After desperately trying and failing to contact her missing daughter, Natalie learned that police had found her van parked on the side of the road about 30 miles from the meditation center.
She enlisted friends and family to help, and spent a week scouring the woods for the young artist. But on the eighth day, police broke the shocking news that Jaki’s body had been found.
Police later determined that Jaki left the center between 9pm and 8am the next morning, apparently abandoning the van after it ran out of gas. The coroner determined she died on October 2, 2022.
A subsequent police report seen by Untold describes Jaki’s struggles during his withdrawal, including that he had “constant emotional episodes” and that “the ongoing nature of them was unusual.” It was detailed.
“Jacqueline seemed ashamed of what she had done previously, but did not say what it was. However, Jacqueline showed no signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts. ” says the report.
Devastated by her loss, Natalie said on the podcast that she believes her daughter should never have been allowed to flee in the car and that her life could have been saved if the center had alerted authorities sooner.
“Somehow she had the keys. If your policy is to make people hand over the keys, there’s a reason for that. So enforce that policy.”
Every year, thousands of people attend Goenka Network’s 10-day retreat to learn Vipassana meditation. Participation is free, including meals and lodging.
This program is fully funded by donations from past participants who want to share their experiences with others.
B.C.’s Vipassana Meditation Center in Merritt did not return messages seeking comment.
