Dear Abby: I’m a 29 year old man and for the past year I’ve been dating a wonderful 25 year old woman and I believe she is the one. We will be moving in soon and are already living in an apartment together.
Recently, she was asked to be a bridesmaid at the wedding of a friend she met through her ex-husband’s cousin. Her ex-husband will also be attending the wedding. She is not very close with this friend. The bride does not seem to have many other friends.
It’s clear to me that she wants to be at this wedding. I asked her if we could attend the wedding without bridesmaids, but she thinks we wouldn’t be invited if we didn’t. I couldn’t say no, so I agreed to go if she agreed not to attend any events where her ex-boyfriend would be present.
But now she has agreed to be a bridesmaid and I get angry every time the topic of the wedding comes up. I don’t feel any resentment towards her yet, but I’m worried that will change as the wedding draws closer. I want to support her, but I can’t ignore the fact that she is clearly not happy with this arrangement. What should I do? — New Boyfriend, Connecticut
Dear Boyfriend: You shouldn’t impose conditions on your girlfriend to attend your wedding. It’s poor manners for her to break her promise to be a bridesmaid. It’s childish to pressure her to do so.
You have a chance to be a hero and overcome your fears. Take it and send her off to the wedding…alone. And when you do, smile, hug her, tell her you hope she has a great time, and that you’ll be waiting for her with open arms when she comes back.
Dear Abby: “Shattered in New York” (January 14) finds a wife, “Sandy,” struggling with the fact that she’s trying to start a new relationship with a friend just after he moves into a dementia care facility. The reality is that your loved one is no longer there. Yes, they’re there physically, but they’re no longer who they once were. And that’s devastating.
My dad has dementia and my mom makes sure he’s safe and happy and visits him every day, but she’s no longer married to her actual partner, she’s all alone and we’re all rooting for her to find companionship while my dad is alive.
It is extremely unfair to expect someone in that situation to wait years alone until their spouse dies. I wondered if Sandy would want Shattered to move forward if she found herself in that situation. I’m sure she would be understanding enough to do so. — I know what it’s like
Dear ones, you know: I hope so, but if my email is any indication, there are no guarantees. This is a complex situation and the resolution has to be right for all involved.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren (aka Jeanne Phillips) and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or write to PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
