I am happily married and have adult children and grandchildren. One of my children bought me a DNA testing kit, and when I received the results I was shocked to learn that the man I thought was the father was not actually my biological parent.
My parents were married many years before I came here. I have no siblings. My mother was a loving and caring person and I grew up surrounded by a large, loving maternal family. My father was “difficult” and emotionally abusive. Far away. He never told me he loved me. And I know he made my mother’s life hell at times. They eventually divorced and he passed away a few years ago. I stayed in contact with him and when he passed away I felt sadness not so much for him personally but for the opportunities lost in our relationship.
I found out that my biological father was my mother’s co-worker. He was also married at the time I was pregnant. Daughter age 10. We live in the country and have met him and his wife many times.He seems to have been a kind and intelligent man. Both he and my mother passed away a few years ago.
My mind is in turmoil; I have so many questions that I know I can’t answer. I feel frustrated that I will never know the truth of the situation – did the rest of my family know when I didn’t?
I told my husband but decided not to tell my children. – I don’t want to ruin the memory of my loving grandmother, but I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do.
Another issue is his daughter – my half sister. I regret that I never had the chance to have a sibling relationship with her, and I doubt I ever will, because I will not tell her what I have discovered.
Any suggestions would be appreciated!
I know this is a shock to you. This is devastating news, so please take some time to process it. This is becoming more and more common now that DNA testing is so readily available. Many secrets that were once thought to be buried are being exposed. It becomes even more difficult when the people involved are deceased and cannot be questioned.
I met with UKCP-registered family psychotherapist Reenie Singh, who confirmed that she is seeing a growing number of people with whom she practices: “My heart goes out to you,” she said. “It can be deeply unsettling to realise that the reality you grew up in is different to what you thought it would be.”
We debated at length about whether you should tell your children, but ultimately came to the conclusion that you should. Your children are adults, and there is a natural “connection” that your daughter bought you a DNA test (is this a total coincidence?). As you have seen, DNA tests are now widely available, and the last thing you want is for your children or grandchildren to find out about this one day. They are You may be asked to take a DNA test.
In these cases, it’s always a good idea to process as many of your initial feelings as you can yourself first before telling anyone else, and communicate as neutrally and factually as possible. This can happen in therapy or just by talking with your husband. When you’re ready, tell your children. Then let them tell their grandchildren.
Your half-sibling is more complicated. You didn’t say if she’s in your immediate vicinity, and if so, if you discussed it with the wider family, it might be communicated to her too, so this is something to consider.
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Once you’ve told your family, you could also leave your details on a genealogy site – she might be able to find you that way when she uses the site. But you don’t have to do anything right now – this is a process, and you’ll have a lot to get through, not just with a new father figure, but a whole new family story.
“And while you may feel a sense of relief that this complicated father is not your real father, you may also feel anger toward your mother,” Singh says.
This doesn’t mean you don’t love your mother or understand why she did what she did, but you may have complicated feelings that need to be examined and resolved. Take some time to figure all this out for yourself before you embrace your wider family. Are there any loving aunts or older relatives from your maternal family you can ask? Only then can you really decide whether to approach your half-siblings or not. This is a new family tree that is taking shape, and it all takes time.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal problem sent in by our readers. If you would like Annalisa’s advice, please send your problem to: inquiryWe regret that Annalisa cannot be contacted personally. Postings are subject to our Terms of Use.
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