vinegarSo far, Trictly Come Dancing’s 20th anniversary year has been nothing but a nightmare. There have been allegations of bullying and a toxic work environment, two professional dancers have left under suspicious circumstances, questions have been raised about the show’s duty of care, and there have even been fears that this year’s series may not go ahead at all.
Still, it’s business as usual for ballroom dancing, with the full Strictly class of 2024 announced. Will this year’s inductees help the BBC giant bounce back from a summer of scandal? The jury’s still out. There have been age-old complaints about too many reality TV stars and dance-trained stand-ins. Many are disappointed by the lackluster line-up, but disappointment tends to fade once the dancing begins and viewers become engrossed in the pairings.
Rumored big-name stars Hannah Waddingham, Nicola Roberts, Alan Carr, Michelle Keegan, Louis Theroux, Rylan Clark and various minor royals all fell through, with speculation that producers are finding it harder than usual to sign big names, especially women, because of recent controversies. Final 15 This may support this theory: The inclusion of four athletes, including three Olympians, may be a way to bolster the cast and head off further complaints.
So who will be sprayed orange and shoved into Spanx come September? Who will win the legendary Glitterball trophy? Who will almost certainly not? We’ve ranked the latest from worst to best in terms of their likelihood of success. Ranking the Stars…
15. Dr. Poonam Krishan
Who? The media doctor you know, right? No, not that one. Or maybe not that one. Oh, never mind. Dr Krishan is a health expert on BBC’s Morning Live and a general practitioner for the NHS. A rare number with a white coat and sparkly stethoscope is inevitable. But because she’s not famous, her dance-room diagnosis seems terminal. Sorry, you can’t ask for a second opinion. Next!
14. Wyn Evans
Who? The Go.Compare bloke you know. He’s mostly known as Gio Compario from the adverts for that irritating comparison site, but Evans is also a presenter on BBC Radio Wales and won Celebrity MasterChef last year, so he has a talent competition background. Expect operatic routines, fake moustaches and lame puns on names (like Evans for the Wynne) before making an early exit. Now that the BBC has started recruiting from its ads, who’s next? Barry Scott from Cillit Bang? Aleksandr the meerkat?
13. Paul Merson
The Sky Sports pundit is a “character” and should therefore provide some comedy value. His former Arsenal mate Tony Adams became a cult hero two series ago and “Mars” hopes to capture the nation’s hearts in a similar way. He has been admirably candid about his battles with gambling, alcohol and cocaine, providing some soul-baring fodder for the VT. But there’s a typo and I think the producers actually wanted Paul Merton.
12. Montell Douglas
Are you ready, Gladiator? I’ll dance on my first whistle. The former Olympian, now known as Fire, will be swinging a giant cotton bud at Craig Revel Horwood if she’s not careful. Her casting, you’ll be excited to find out, was “announced on the set of Gladiators at the Sheffield Utilita Arena”, along with the unveiling of her “bespoke Roblox character”, much to the delight of any iPad-obsessed eight-year-old.
11. Pete Wicks
Though he’s billed as a “television personality, author, radio and podcast presenter” (isn’t everyone?), Wicks, not Joe, is best known for ITVBe’s rubbish show TOWIE. His best friend Sam Thompson is king of the jungle and he’ll be hoping to channel a bit of that winning magic. But Wicks is too much of a reality-show stand-in to be exciting; in fact, his appearance on Celebrity SAS: Who Dares Wins airs during Strictly, infuriating the BBC and Channel 4. Tabloid-friendly showmanship may be his biggest hope.
10. Tom Dean
The British swimmer’s casting became showbiz’s worst-kept secret when he blurted it out poolside in Paris. The three-time gold medal winner was clearly more than excited to swap his teeny-tiny trunks for tight trousers and the smell of chlorine for a biscuit-like scent of fake tan. Bizarrely, Strictly’s previous Olympic swimmers, Mark Foster, Ellie Symonds and Adam Peaty, all finished in sixth place. There’s no reason for chatty Tom to buck the trend.
9. Nick Knowles
Midlife crisis alert! Dad honks and dances! Shirley Ballas comes pounding! The stubbled faces of DIY SOS also have a side gig as acoustic rockers, so musicality shouldn’t be an issue, even if his last album (and first) only peaked at No. 92. Knowles may be more used to sanding floors than walking them, but his three sisters are all dancers, so he could be a dark horse. Expect routines with sparkly helmets and sparkly tool belts. If Elstree floods or something, he could build a new dance room on short notice.
8. Toyah Wilcox
Mystery! I Want to Be Free! Well, her other hits! The waltzing Wilcox, who likes to show off her dance moves on TikTok, could be this year’s adult surprise package, in the noble tradition of Debbie McGee and Annabel Croft. With a slightly too obvious desire to win, this ’80s punk-pop strelt might not make it to the end, or she might be confused with fellow dancer Sarah Hadland, who looks remarkably similar. Also, prepare for that sly double “l” in her last name to surprise on-screen subtitle writers.
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7. Shayne Ward
The man with the extra ‘y’ won the X Factor in 2005, beating music giants like Andy Abrahams, who finished last in Eurovision in 2008. He’s since turned to acting, playing a crime-solving cruise ship crooner in Coronation Street and Channel 5’s The Good Ship Murder. No, seriously: he ticks the box as a ‘northern hunk for mum’, but like previous contestants Adam Thomas and Will Mellor, he might not make it to the final.
6. Sam Quek
Let’s hope her full name is Samba-Quickstep. The former GB hockey star has had a busy broadcasting career, hosting Morning Live and serving as team captain on the ill-fated, joke-driven reboot of A Question of Sport. Quek narrowly missed out on winning I’m a Celeb and Celeb MasterChef. Her work ethic and competitive spirit might mean she goes further in ballroom dancing. If all else fails, she’ll have an Olympic medal, an MBE and a seven-letter name to compare with rival Tom Dean.
5. JB Gill
Merry Christmas Dear Harry Hill TV Burp fans,His JLS bandmates Aston Merrygold dropped out way too soon in 2017. Gill is hoping to go further and secure bragging rights. He’s now a farmer and appears on Countryfile, providing ample opportunity for livestock-themed pre-filmed segments and stories of “swapping muddy wellies for dancing shoes”. Alongside Jamie Borthwick, one of this year’s other contestants, he is only the second contracted artist to win this Christmas special, having won Jive in 2012. They’re reusing loads of Christmas leftovers and the line-up looks like a turkey curry.
4. Tasha Ghori
This is exactly the kind of inspiring casting we want. Ghuri is the ex-girlfriend of fired professional Giovanni Pernice. She may have followed the clichéd path from Love Island to influencer, but there’s more to her than that. As Strictly’s second deaf contestant, she’s looking to follow in the footsteps of Rose Ayling-Ellis, who won the Glitterball and a BAFTA in 2021. What could work against Ghuri is her previous hoofing experience. She’s ballet trained, tap-danced alongside Strictly favourite Johannes Radebe and even auditioned for a dancer in the Barbie movie. Are we going to miss Lizzo’s pink movie week routine?
3. Jamie Borthwick
Get out of my pub! There’s always EastEnders, the yelling Cockney soap opera filmed next to Elstree Ballroom. This year, without Danny Dyer or Wellard the dog, the honour goes to baby-faced Albert Square regular Jay Mitchell. He appeared in the Christmas special eight months ago so it feels a bit unexpected, but he’s very likeable and wins with a nimble quickstep. Borthwick has been paired with Nancy Shue so if they meet again you can expect some mock surprise. Ridiculous.
2. Sarah Hadland
Hold on, hold on. Comedian Hadland is best known as Miranda’s best friend Stevie, but her impressive hilarious resume also includes Horrible Histories, That Mitchell and Webb Look and the new BBC sitcom Daddy Issues. She trained in dance as a child and later starred in West End musicals, so if she can survive rumours that she’s an understudy she could be a finalist. If she does a Heather Small impersonation for Miranda and then a dance… Proudwe should demand a discount on the license fee.
1. Chris McCausland
This is a great choice to salvage Strictly’s reputation. The beloved Liverpudlian comedian will be breaking new ground as the first-ever blind contestant. “What could go wrong?” he says. “OK, don’t answer that question.” Strictly is already one of primetime’s most progressive shows. McCausland’s inclusion is another welcome step forward towards inclusivity. His journey (pardon the J-word) should be interesting. He’s a big fan of grunge and metal, so we can expect a rockin’ routine like Bill Bailey’s Metallica Tango. Jason Smith, a Paralympic sprinter who is registered as blind, won the Irish version of the franchise this spring. Could this bode well for McCausland? Either way, he says, “I just hope the BBC pays the insurance money. I’ll have three cameras out a week.”
