Dear Abby: I like to help my friends, partners and family. I feel it is important to do good deeds after retirement. I have my hands full taking my elderly father to hospital appointments and I visit him three times a week. I also do a lot of things for my older single friends by occasionally delivering meals and running errands for them.
Recently, I have been asked to drive at least three friends to their doctor appointments, one in particular is my partner's friend. Still, she expects a lot from me. I feel busy enough looking after my father and my partner. I feel pressured by other friends. I feel guilty if I say no.
How do I break up with these people nicely? One of them is insinuating that if I don't help her to the doctor's appointment or sit with her dog, she's not a good friend. She never seems to remember past good behavior and loves to start arguments with anyone (she only has 1 or 2 friends left). Any advice? — A tired man from Wisconsin
For those who are tired: For some people, it only takes a small step to go from people pleaser to being a doormat. You've been kind and helpful up until now. Now it's time to start helping yourself. Don't feel guilty about saying no to people who are entitled.
The woman you mentioned is one of them, so don't expect her to be grateful for the time and effort you've already put in.
Developing the ability to say “no” is like lifting weights: start small and work your way up, and you'll develop muscle in no time. Give it a try, you'll love it.
Dear Abby: My husband and I met on the high school debate team, and we had heated discussions on just about every topic, and I think that was one of the things he loved most about me.
Now, 14 years and a few kids later, I no longer have the energy to debate “oranges vs. strawberries.” Every time I offer a simple opinion, my son tries to join in, but in a minute he goes from zero to 100 and forgets to listen to my opinion.
I don't want to listen to him so I have resorted to “letting him win” to just shut him up. He gets annoyed when I do that and always says it's something we used to do.
Abby, my priorities have changed. I am calmer and focus most of my attention on our children. I am tired of the constant arguing, but I know he enjoys it. Please help me find common ground with my husband. I no longer have the strength to fight
Don't fight: Some couples enjoy fighting as foreplay. If you haven't told your husband anything that has to do with me, it's important that you do.
Because “arguing” has become an established pattern in your relationship, your husband may have difficulty adjusting to a change in communication methods, so you may need the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist to get your message across.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren (aka Jeanne Phillips) and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or write to PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
