How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question for the column? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My new boyfriend and I have very different norms for cleanliness after sex. Frankly, I find his approach kind of gross. Here’s the gist: After sex, I like to take a quick shower. I don’t like to go to bed sweaty and smelly, except on a very rare occasion. It’s not a huge impediment to take a five-minute shower and scrub down!
Well, my boyfriend thinks rinsing his penis with some water from the sink is all he needs to do before heading back to bed. And then he wants to have sex in the morning when he wakes up—before he takes a shower. I have not said yes to that because it’s personally where I draw the line. But I would have no problem with it if he showered the night before.
Now that we’ve had a few sleepovers, I’m not sure what to do about it, or if I should do anything at all. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Am I being way too Type A about this?
—Just Wash Your Penis, Please
Dear Just Wash Your Penis, Please,
You’re being at least a little type A. There’s a good chance that his not washing will have little to no effect on either his or your health. You’re practically sharing a biome at this point. Maybe he’s putting himself at risk for irritation—maybe. If he’s uncircumcised, there’s a greater risk for buildup/smegma/funkiness that some sex pigs love, but a lot of people are decidedly not into. I’m assuming you fall into the latter category given your general aversion to the very idea of uncleanliness.
Your comfort level is important, though. I don’t see a good reason for him to resist washing—especially if he’s going to the sink anyway. If you ask him to add soap to his regimen—which will cost him maybe a minute to lather, rinse, and dry—that’s not at all a major lift. It’s his body, of course, so he gets the final say on what he does with it, but it’s a bit disconcerting that he isn’t extending you the consideration.
That’s what’s happening, right? You say that he “thinks” rinsing his penis after sex is all he needs to do. If you’re inferring that based on his behavior, you need to confirm it with a conversation. He may not actually be so resolute. Have you talked about this? If not, ask him to shower. If he’s actively refusing to clean after sex, maybe ask him something like, “Why not just incorporate soap during the obligatory rinse?” Another option: Invite him to the shower with you when you indulge in your postcoital bathing ritual. Tell him you need him to wash your back.
Again, if he is absolutely against this, well, that’s what you’re dealing with: a guy who won’t shower after sex and is so determined on the matter that he’s willing to forgo morning sex for principle (or laziness). If that’s just who he is, let him be him and know that you don’t have to be with someone won’t shower after sex. He has a choice here and so do you.
Please keep questions short (
Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I are going on a trip with our friends to the beach. This is our first group trip. We rented this really nice Airbnb and everyone has their own rooms. My girlfriend has been implying that she really wants to have sex while we’re there, but I’m a little worried about people hearing us do the deed on vacation. Plus, it just feels weird to be having sex when all of our friends are in the surrounding rooms. What’s the norm for group trips here? Any tips for doing it discreetly?
—One Wall Away
Dear One Wall Away,
I don’t know if there’s a norm for group trips, per se. They can range from chaste to dicks out in the living room (I’ve seen some stuff on Fire Island). It sounds like your friend group is not particularly sexual with one another so you’re better off erring on the side of caution. If you want to be considerate, be extra quiet, do it in the shower (the extra door creates a buffer, as does the sound of running water), or wait until everyone you’re sharing the house with is out for the day. It’s not that hard to moan silently, or to muffle your moans! It can even make it kind of hot. Also, if you’re worried about the bed squeaking, have sex standing up, away from anything that could rock or fall over. Leaning on the wall is generally pretty silent.
That said, I don’t think it’s “weird” for you to be having sex within close proximity of others—this is par for the course. For example, in New York City, where real estate is scarce and living spaces are often roughly the size of a thimble, you really live on top of other people. Sometimes, you hear them. As long as it’s not egregious (i.e. screaming with no apparent regard for the closeness of others), this is typically forgiven. Unless your friends are super uptight Moral Majority types, they aren’t going to drop you for having sex with your girlfriend. They should expect it, or at least not be surprised when it happens. You’re all adults, right? Acting maturely and accepting your friends for the sexual beings they are is kind of a no-brainer.
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Dear How to Do It,
Is there a good way to ask someone if they’ve been tested recently? I’m recently out of a long-term relationship and am starting to casually hook up again, so I’m looking to be on top of regular testing. I usually try to ask about it before we meet up in an app or via text so I can buffer the potential awkwardness of asking in person. I’ve waited to ask in person before and got one guy who was super taken aback and took offense to it, saying that he didn’t have any symptoms and why would I sleep with him anyway if I was worried he had something. Needless to say, we did not end up sleeping together.
Is there some script I’m missing? When’s the best time to ask? Should I trust people’s answers, or should I ask to see their results?
—Testing 123
Dear Testing 123,
I wouldn’t revise the approach you took on account of one person’s sensitivity. Not everyone will have that reaction, and those who do will filter themselves out rather efficiently. That guy who took offense may have been infection-free, yes, but STIs aren’t the only reason to refrain from having sex with someone. You’re better off with a mature partner who doesn’t shut down when asked about their sexual health—one who’s glad you want to have a conversation about safety. After all, bringing up the topic of testing isn’t just a sign that you care about your health—it’s a sign you care about theirs, too.
One thing you could do, though, to diffuse the fraught nature of the conversation, is to state your status and the time of your most recent test upfront: “I was tested a month ago and do not have any STIs. How about you?” I think that might deflect some of the stigma that very sensitive types might feel when put on the spot regarding their sexual health. It may come off as less accusatory—more of a calling in than a calling out. I think the conversation may feel a bit uncomfortable/awkward for many, so the goal here is to massage it in order to make it less so—not to avoid it entirely. For your peace of mind, you might also want to look into PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis, which provides robust protection against HIV) and/or doxyPEP, which protects against bacterial infections like gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis. (Note that as far as the U.S. is concerned, the CDC has only recommended it for cis men and trans women, though this likely has to do with a lack of conclusive data than it does biology).
Knowing you have an extra layer of protection makes taking people at their word easier. I don’t really recommend asking to see actual results, just because I think that asking someone a question and then asking them to prove it bespeaks a certain suspicion that can sap a sexy scenario of its sexiness. But at the same time, people lie all the time in service of getting laid, so there is a logic to asking for receipts. Just be prepared that it may take some people aback or perhaps turn them off. It’s not wrong to want to see proof, it’s just that it may lead to a similar situation that you had with the guy you described. Maybe that’s a good thing, though—again, more self-filtering out. You may have to experiment here to see just what your comfort levels are and what risks are worth taking.
Incidentally, I’ve had people ask me to see my results and it doesn’t offend me. I don’t hold vigilance against people when it comes to their health. You may find yourself conversing with less understanding potential partners, however.
—Rich
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