Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have long since been retired. Our grandchildren are all grown, and one is expecting what will be our first great grandchild. Our son seemed to be a lifelong bachelor until he met and married “Stacy.” They currently have a 4-year-old and a toddler—and much as we adore them, it is very hard to be around them without help. We just don’t have the energy, mobility, and money to spare to spoil our grandchildren like we did their cousins back in the day.
The problem is, this greatly upsets Stacy. Our daughter-in-law will make backhanded comments about how our other grandchildren were obviously our favorites because we did things like watch them all summer or take trips to Disneyland. These days, it is very hard for either of us to bend down and pick up fallen items. When we go shopping, we need to use scooters because just crossing the grocery store is an ordeal.
This situation hurts us because our son keeps echoing his wife. We ended up having a huge fight because Stacy wanted to go to some convention and our son didn’t feel comfortable watching both children for a three-day weekend without help. My husband and I told him that wouldn’t be possible for us to come over and help. Firstly, their guest room is on the second floor and the stairs are steep. Plus, the guest bathroom is downstairs. We have to get up several times a night to use the bathroom. Our conversation got heated and then Stacy accused us out of the blue of trying to sabotage her career. Stacy has been trying to start her own business since she married our son and every attempt went nowhere.
My husband got angry and told Stacy that she should stop “playing” and get a real job like everyone else. I understand it was hurtful, but I didn’t think it was enough for my son and his wife to completely cut us off. But they will not answer the phone and refuse to even send pictures of their children. We are heartbroken and our other children are furious at their brother. We don’t want our family to split apart over pettiness like this. We already sent Stacy a card and flowers for her birthday and apologized. No response. What else can we do?
—85 in Arizona
Dear 85,
85!!! 85, with mobility issues, and this daughter-in-law can’t see that you can’t possibly be in charge of a preschooler and a toddler, or even be a daddy’s helper if it means you must stay in a guest room where you have to take a flight of stairs at night to pee? More and more Americans these days seem to have the mistaken idea that any problem with your body is in your mind, surmountable if you really wish it to be, and perhaps that’s Stacy’s issue. But she had kids with a guy who had older parents. She’s running up against biology, and in denial about what that actually means. Maybe she’s under a lot of pressure to show that she can succeed in her business, maybe she’s annoyed that her husband is apparently only minimally useful in the arena of childcare, or maybe she’s just plain unreasonable.
I can’t figure out from afar what is wrong with this lady. But she’s married to your son—who, by the way, is the one who “doesn’t feel comfortable” watching the kids for three days without help. He could do any number of other things to fix this problem, besides expecting you to visit. My number one suggestion would be that he should simply buck up! But he could also hire paid outside help to come cover him for periods of time during the weekend, so he has rest breaks; or make plans to order in meals so he doesn’t have to cook; or band together with local parent friends to make plans to meet at a playground during the days, so he has some adult contact and a pressure valve for that much togetherness. Some combination of these strategies would be what a mother in this situation would do. Why can’t he?
It also bothers me that your son doesn’t seem to register, or care, how big the disconnect between your reality and Stacy’s understanding of your life has become. The fight between Stacy and your husband is a red herring in this story, though it was likely hurtful of your husband to say what he said. It’s your son who’s the issue. I’m glad that your other kids seem to be more understanding of your situation. Perhaps they, who hopefully are not also blocked from his phone, could help explain it to him.
Please keep questions short (
Dear Care and Feeding,
My brother’s ex-wife lives a few blocks from me. Their divorce was fairly civilized and I adore my nephews and nieces, so I often help out by dropping the kids off at school, babysitting, or helping her fix things around the house. Over Christmas, my brother unloaded on me, accusing me of disloyalty and “sniffing around” his ex, before demanding that I keep away from her and his kids. It was a very ugly scene, which really upset my parents, and I’m still chewing over it but I am also wondering whether I need to give in to his unreasonable and selfish demands. I don’t want to further inflame whatever is going on with him and his ex, or drag the kids into further drama, but I equally don’t want to just ghost my niblings or my sister-in-law. Do I just discuss it with her? I’d talk to my brother but, as you may have guessed, he’s not particularly reasonable or mature.
—Stuck in the Middle With Him
Dear Stuck,
Clearly there are things going on beneath the surface here with this divorce that are not “civilized”—not exactly. I would at the very least update your perception of this particular situation, from “they seem mostly fine” to “volatile; beware.” Your brother seems quite triggered by the idea that you’re doing the things he used to do—I bet he’s probably way more upset by “helping her fix things around the house” than by anything else on this list of acts of service. (Would he be this mad if you just did some school runs, barely speaking to her at all? I doubt it!) This is a fevered mindset he may come out of with time, but not one that will respond well to rationality, right now.
Sadly, I do think you might need to wait a minute to go back to being “there” for them—or, find some ways to do this that don’t directly involve being around her, or being in her house. (Maybe the kids could come to your parents’ house without her, and you could see them there, for example.) I don’t think you should totally ghost her, though I bet if you did, she would be able to guess why you did it. You could let her know why you’re pulling back, and stipulate that you didn’t mind doing any of those jobs for her—and hope to be able to do so again in the future. This doesn’t have to be forever. But they are the ones who have to figure it out.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I was out of the house and overseas when our mom remarried. My two younger sisters did not get along with her husband’s daughter, “Julie.” I thought it was basic teenage drama until recently. Julie and my younger sister are both engaged. I have a different dad than my sisters and make a pretty good living working for him. I offered to give my sister around $10,000 for the wedding, since she and her partner are teachers and as poor as church mice.
Don’t ask me how, but word got back to Julie, and she started howling about the unfairness. Julie and I don’t have a relationship. I saw her a few times while she was still living at home, but we don’t even exchange Christmas cards. But she thinks I should pay for her wedding? I would basically tell Julie to get bent, but my mom isn’t in good health and doesn’t need this stress in her life. Her husband seems to have no spine when it comes to Julie. Both my sisters have stated they hate Julie and think she is a brat, but again are worried about our mom. My mom wants me to make a “better effort” here, but will not say what that is, besides just paying up the cash.
—About Julie
Dear About Julie,
It is hard for me to believe that this kind of faraway, quasi-stranger “sister” would dare complain about such a thing, but we get enough letters detailing similar situations that I guess it must happen! Obviously, you don’t need to give Julie money, let alone ten thousand big ones, out of some family connection that’s more legal and technical than it is emotional or even biological. You could toss her a Christmas card, sure, and certainly you should be civil and friendly when you’re in proximity to one another, for the sake of your relatives, but I think that’s the extent of your obligation to this person.
This problem is closest to your mom’s husband, and your mom’s husband needs to be part of the solution. He should care, too, about whether your mom is stressed! Why is that caring left up to you and your sisters? Can you talk to him and see if he can talk to Julie? Make it clear that Julie’s bad vibes are leaking onto your mom. I hope he’s ready to step up.
—Rebecca
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