Changing Views on Parenting and Discipline

There’s a trend making its way through social media where adults are asking kids to finish off old toxic parenting phrases from their childhoods. Phrases like “I’ll give you something… [to cry about]” or “Children should be… [seen and not heard]” are being turned on their heads by a new wave of children who are being raised in more nurturing and respectful environments.

One parent prompts, “I’ll give you something…” and the child responds with “Help you.” There’s a noticeable shift towards affirmations like “Children are to be kids” and “I brought you into this world… to make you happy.” It’s really heartwarming to see parents today working hard to break the cycle of what has often been disguised as discipline over the years.

There’s a solid reason for this shift. Harsh words can have lasting effects on a child’s brain, and the impact of verbal abuse in childhood can linger well into adulthood. As Professor Eamon McCrory noted last month, such language can significantly affect how confident and secure children feel as they navigate the world.

Reading this makes me reflect on the few times I snapped at my own kid. It’s a constant struggle for parents to manage those moments of frustration. I mean, just this month, Michelle Obama shared her experiences of having smacked her daughter. She comments on how, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to find a better way to address a child’s behavior.

I do admire how she doesn’t resort to the self-righteous narrative so many adults adopt when reflecting on past discipline methods. I mean, I’ve heard individuals downplay their harsh childhood experiences, saying things like, “I was hit, but it didn’t damage me.” It’s as if they’re justifying cruel and abusive behavior under the guise of care. It reminds us that those we love can sometimes hurt us, even if unintentionally.

Older generations might look at these gentler parenting methods with skepticism. The saying “You’re making a rod for your back” has become almost cliché. But that shift to more compassionate parenting is, whether accepted or not, a reaction against tougher approaches from before. Personally, I wasn’t raised with physical punishment, but many around me were. In England and Northern Ireland, smacking is still permitted (though it’s illegal in Scotland and Wales), which sadly doesn’t surprise me. This persists despite repeated calls from charities and child rights experts, as well as major pediatricians advocating for its prohibition.

It’s clear some might feel uncomfortable with conversations around punishment. Some readers might be feeling guilt, while others may find themselves angry. And what follows may stir feelings of discomfort regarding the realities of child rights. Eloise Rickman, an author on the subject, emphasizes that smacking is an unsettling legacy in parenting. The notion of adultism captures how adults wield authority over children, often viewing them as lesser beings. This dynamic can go unexamined, making it disturbingly normal for adults to control children completely. Yet children inherently dislike being yelled at or hit—it disturbs and frightens them. But how often are their voices truly listened to in these discussions?

Rickman suggests that England could improve its approach to parenting, and I find myself agreeing. It’s not just about how parents treat children in public, but the overall societal attitude towards parent-child interactions. If a child cries, the reactions range drastically—from empathy to judgment. This often puts stress on parents, leading them to feel pressured to conform to outdated disciplinary norms instead of receiving understanding and support. The UK often leans more toward the latter, which raises questions about whether this mindset is a product of Victorian ideals or just a stubborn hold on tradition.

Whatever the reason, a fundamental change is necessary. This conversations ought to go beyond simply calling for a ban on smacking—it should also include discussions on how to support parents while fostering a society that genuinely values children. Why do we prioritize adult voices over children’s? Despite the UK signing the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child, it remains unincorporated into British law. We need to ask ourselves why.

As I chat with Rickman, I can’t help but think about Italy. It’s widely recognized for its child-friendly environments, where crying kids often evoke supportive reactions instead of scorn. Italy’s educational approach, known as Reggio Emilia, developed as a response to past fascist regimes. In light of the rise of far-right ideologies globally, it seems worthwhile to consider anti-fascism starting at home, recognizing that respect for our most vulnerable individuals can shape kinder futures.