Our advice columnists have received many inquiries over the years, so we’re revisiting some classic letters from the How to Do It archives to share with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s all anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I recently reunited with an ex-boyfriend after five years. We were getting intimate until we noticed we had no condoms at hand. After he left, I was really confused because I felt like his size was much smaller than I remembered from when we were dating. He had dropped about 30 pounds, and everything I’ve read suggests that weight loss generally makes things look larger, not smaller. It felt not only shorter but also thinner. Is it possible that age has caused some shrinkage, or am I just remembering it wrong? We never went beyond that, so I can’t compare how it might have felt. Now that he’s with someone else, I doubt I’ll get to find out. Is this really possible, or am I just overthinking it?
—Missing Inches
Dear Missing,
Shrinkage is definitely a factor—sometimes longer-lasting than the temporary kind humorously portrayed in Seinfeld. Generally, the change isn’t huge, but you might notice it if you’re paying close attention. There are various reasons this can happen, such as Peyronie’s disease, weight changes, or prostate surgery. Erectile dysfunction is another reason; when spontaneous erections decrease, it can lead to shrinkage because those frequent erections help maintain health. Dr. Charles Welliver, the director of men’s health at Albany Medical College, notes that infrequent erections due to sexual activity wouldn’t be enough to keep things healthy. He discussed this in more detail on the upcoming episode of the How to Do It podcast covering “COVID dick.”
Your ex might have indeed lost some girth. But it’s also possible that your memory is playing tricks on you. I’ve caught up with old friends and realized that my recollections were a bit inflated when it came to size. So yes, your ex could have gone through one of those conditions, but nostalgia can distort our memories, too.
—Rich Juzwiak
From: I’m Afraid My Boyfriend Is Showing Me Who He Really Is While He’s Asleep. (Dec. 26, 2021).
Dear How to Do It,
My partner of almost two years gave me gonorrhea through oral sex. When I tested positive, he also got tested and it turned out he had it in his throat. He mentioned that he had experienced sore throats on and off for a while. We’ve been intimate many times without any issues. Could this mean he cheated, or could it have been lying dormant for over a year?
—Am I With a Cheater?
Dear Am I With a Cheater,
Here I am again, trying to navigate a tricky situation. I need to lean on some facts for this one: A study from 2021 published in Clinical Infectious Diseases analyzed 21 throat gonorrhea infections and found that the median duration of untreated infections was about 16.3 weeks—well short of the year you’re concerned about. Many infections cleared much faster based on their results.
However, keep in mind the data is somewhat limited due to ethical reasons in monitoring untreated infections. This study was able to manage it by having participants swab themselves weekly while ensuring they followed normal STD screening protocols, which some ended up being treated for during the study.
For more insight, I reached out to some professionals. Dr. Lindley Barbee, lead author of the study and medical director at the Seattle and King County Sexual Health Clinic, pointed out that pharyngeal gonorrhea often doesn’t cause noticeable symptoms, meaning one could consider it dormant by definition until tested. She mentions that while it’s possible for longer infections to exist, they haven’t been documented. Also, don’t forget that gonorrhea can spread through kissing—if there’s any playful make-out sessions in your relationship, that could be a route.
I also spoke with Dr. H. Hunter Handsfield, an esteemed STD expert, who expressed skepticism about someone having pharyngeal gonorrhea for such an extended period. He’s doubtful even one year is realistic.
Additionally, many people with throat gonorrhea are asymptomatic. This could mean his sore throats might not relate to this situation at all. So, it seems your partner’s credibility isn’t holding up well under scrutiny. Only he truly knows his actions, but now you have some concrete information to evaluate your situation.
—R.J.
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married 28 years, enjoying a fulfilling sex life. We faced challenges when he had stage three cancer, but we pushed through it together. He always reassures me that if we overcame that, we can handle anything. We also have children, thanks to my prior relationship and our own child shortly after.
Recently, I discovered messages to another woman, which left me shocked and hurt. He claims it was harmless chatting and insists he didn’t intend anything more. After being diagnosed with endometriosis, the timing couldn’t be worse. I felt inadequate, like my illness was an obstacle. He assured me that was not the case and agreed to stop messaging her.
However, since this incident, there’s a disconnect. I appreciate our time together but can’t shake the feeling of betrayal. His mood swings complicate my feelings, and I no longer feel aligned with him. I don’t want a divorce or an open marriage—what should I do?
—Chatty Husband
Dear Chatty,
Your husband did cross a line, and I hope he’s apologized sincerely—his commitment to stop is a step, but he seems to downplay what he did. Acknowledging the pain he’s caused is crucial, yet the road to rebuilding trust is usually long and difficult. It’s one thing to apologize but quite another to genuinely atone for actions. Trust might require a leap of faith while you both navigate this situation. Finding ways to remind yourself of why you’re together may help maintain the connection. It’s clear there’s a rift now; he might be experiencing shame and having trouble processing the situation. Counseling could be beneficial for both of you, helping provide an external perspective that may bridge the gap and get you back on the same page.
—R.J.
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