This article is satire.
Horoscopes? I mean, they’re clearly not real, maybe even something more sinister. Kind of like therapy, right? Honestly, the best way to really get to know someone’s mind might just be to look at their Spotify playlists.
One self-proclaimed patriot thinks he’s got the scoop on Spotify playlists from a bunch of prominent figures, including politicians and journalists.
“I’ve been cutting off their playlists for over a year now,” said one anonymous investigator. “The Panama Papers shed light on some hidden bank accounts, which, you know, hint at their real tastes.”
Pretty smart
Politicians, celebrities, journalists, you name it—those who have reportedly dug into public listening data have come up with some intriguing playlists on their site.
Lucky for me, mine doesn’t look too bad, but some others…https://t.co/3lbhzy1uqm pic.twitter.com/5HF1FHHP3U
– Rat King 🐀 (@mikeisaac) July 30, 2025
These hidden gems can be grouped into four categories:
Best in Class
Check out “Hodge Podge Mix” by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Surprisingly enjoyable, featuring Johnny Cash, Glen Campbell, and the Beach Boys. (By the way, he did proclaim a “Hulk Hogan” day recently, if you didn’t hear.)
And let’s not forget to mention left-wing journalist Taylor Lorenz, who oddly finds a spot on this list due to her questionable song choices.
Then there’s House Speaker Mike Johnson, whose playlist has a throwback vibe with tracks like “Don’t You (Forget Abort Me)” and a Cyndi Lauper hit he jotted down on Pandora, plus a subtle disapproval of Spotify.
Wrapping up this category is Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff with a “high-energy party” playlist, including tunes like “California Girls” and a particularly jarring selection titled “Get Retards.”
I Think It’s Music
It’s more like noise, really. Just, you know, the kind that fills Walmart stores all over. Speaking of playlists, White House Press Secretary Caroline Leavitt has one titled “Baby Shower.”
This playlist hints at her gender, featuring songs like “Run the World (Girls)” and “My Girl.” Well, there’s also the fact that she’s expecting a baby.
Democrat Rep. Rashida Tlaib seems to have a “dark” side in her “In Love” playlist with titles like “I’m a Mess” by Ed Sheeran and “Stay With Me” by Sam Smith. It’s all a bit heavy compared to her show for Palestine.
Now, Jacob Helberg, a candidate for Secretary of State under Trump, isn’t categorized as a girl. Oddly enough, his top song is supposed to be “Apple.” At least he’s not doing TikTok dances, right?
“Brat Summer” may be over, but the votes are still terrible. pic.twitter.com/mcezo8oo29
– Robert Reich (@rbreich) November 5th, 2024
I’m Worried
JD Vance is, without a doubt, not the worst Vice President, but his playlist-creating skills leave much to be desired.
His tastes reflect a confusing mix of emo and mainstream pop. Death Cab for Cutie and One Direction don’t really match, you know? (Interestingly, Gavin Newsom has called Vance “Dumb.”)
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly enjoys Missy Elliott’s “Get Ur Freak On.” But, like, does he really get it? It’s kind of wild.
Hakeem Jeffries, the House Democrats’ leader, is married and shares his Spotify with his wife. Coincidentally, he made a playlist called “Galentine,” which, well, is full of empowering songs, and he even held a “Galentine’s Day” brunch. It’s quirky but nice, I guess.
According to Panama Playlists, Attorney General Pam Bondi has a straightforward playlist named “Pam.” It’s unremarkable, to be honest. (By the way, she insists she had “no knowledge” of Epstein being an Intel asset, but, uh, the evidence is significant.)
Cut Off the Ears, I’m Not Using Them Anyway
This section is influenced by the peculiar tastes of FTX founder Sam Bankman-Fried, currently imprisoned.
His playlist allegedly includes artists like The Weeknd, Khalid, Sia, and Frank Ocean. So, what’s the deal with the Billboard Top 100? Who’s really listening?
Honestly, I couldn’t care less about fraud or conspiracy theories. Bankman-Fried should stay behind bars until he offers a proper apology to Becky G.
