dear abby: I have been an amateur astronomer for over 25 years. I always go meteor watching and observe celestial events. This year, I invited my brother-in-law and his wife, and my husband and I went to see the meteor shower. We both have campers so we booked and paid a deposit for two campsites in nice locations close to the best night sky. The reservation was made over a month in advance.
My sister-in-law, who I love dearly and have been a good friend of over 20 years, called me yesterday to let me know that her BIL had invited her three teenage granddaughters. Abby, I thought they understood it was an adult event because we were up in the middle of the night and traveling 30 minutes to a dark, empty venue. We do this every year.
I told SIL that BIL should have asked me first since I had invited them and made all the arrangements for this event. We talked on the phone for 90 minutes and I told her my BIL was wrong because she didn't ask if it was OK first.
Immediately after hanging up, she texted me and told me to cancel the reservation as she would not be attending. We drive 90 miles to this campground. They live 30 minutes from there. Was it a mistake to say that I wanted you to ask me first since I was the hostess all day and night? — Western Starry Sky
Dear starry sky: Your brother-in-law should never have invited anyone together without clearing it up with you first. Their actions may have been well-intentioned, but they were also disrespectful. In the future, if any of those girls show an interest in astronomy, you may choose to invite them to events of this kind. However, their presence should not have fallen on you like this.
dear abby: We've been married for almost 20 years. My mother-in-law has always been passive aggressive, critical, and interfered with our work. My husband never told her to stop because he could never stand up to her. Sadly, I couldn't stand up for myself either. I finally got it and cut her off to a certain extent.
My husband says he supports me but he has never shown it. He now frequently talks to her outside the house and lies to me about it. Since I confronted her, he has also become emotionally distant from me, which he rarely could before. She is still integrated into every part of his life and gives speeches to him like he is still a young child.
I put an end to this unhealthy dynamic. I insisted on treatment but he didn't see any change. He went because I forced him to go. Do you have any advice? — Burned out in New York
dear burnt out:I agree that the dynamic you describe is unhealthy. It sounds like your husband has a stronger bond with his mother than you do. Don't do anything out of impulse or anger. If you're truly burnt out, continue talking with your therapist so you can decide how to move forward.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Dear Abby, contact: http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
