IIt's been a dark year, and it's reflected well in this space. So it might be time to get into the festive spirit with an exciting new Swiftian parlor game: Fantasy Football for Fascists (FFF). Ideal for dictators, autocrats, strongmen, neo-Stalinists, far-right nationalist populists, or students of geopolitics, it's a game of enthusiastic fun for the whole family.
Under traditional fantasy football rules, the fictional team is made up of real-life players from the Premier League. In FFF, the main players are usually politicians and public figures who exhibit extreme totalitarian tendencies. Leading FFF teams include Donald Trump's Mad Angry Geezers Athletic (MAGA) and Vladimir Putin's Greater Russia United (GRU). China has Xi Xi.
As a quick introduction to the game, observer Imagine what would happen if they played against each other at the FFF World Cup. Venues include Tiananmen Square, Riyadh, and Charlottesville.
Fantasy Football World Cup 2025 for Fascists: Knockout step
Taiwan Town v Xi XI: This war-like conflict took place not on lawns, but along Taiwan's beaches and coastlines. A winner-take-all neighborhood derby, dramatized by Xi's aggressive hyperbole, ultra-nationalist chants, flags and national anthems, is an outnumbered team's last line of defense against China's aggressive I saw him collapse under such high pressure. Dive-bombing headers from veteran left wingers Mao Z and Deng X secured a 2-1 victory for the XI in stoppage time.
Ukrainian Freedom Fighters vs Greater Russia United: GRU, under an eerie command, played away to the Kiev giants for the third year in a row, but once again failed to win on the field. Zelenskiy's heroic defense was reduced to 10 men in early 2025 after midfield dynamo J. Biden was stretchered off with a head injury and there was no suitable replacement to replace him. . Power-crazed GRU hacker V. Putin was given a red card by top UN referee Antonio Guterres for persistent foul play. Overtime is being played.
Land of Israel vs. Persian Wanderers: Both teams, opponents with a long history of hostility, had been penalized for violent play and warned for punching up on the touchline. The contest was ultimately called off after Palestinians in the Temple Mount stands complained that Israel had moved the goalposts (again). After a VAR review, officials sitting in The Hague said Israel's hardline head coach B. Netanyahu and his deputy Y. Gallant were wanted for questioning. FFF season ticket holders identified as B. Smotrich, I. Ben Gvir, B. Assad, M. Salman, A. Khamenei, T. Erdoğan and A. Sisi were given permanent bans for hooliganism.
Little England vs Federal Europe: England, playing at the Farage Memorial Stadium on the White Cliffs of Dover, struggled to follow the game plan devised by their mercurial right-winger B. Johnson. In an unusual tactical approach, all 11 players retreated to their own goal line, closed their eyes and sang. land of hope and glory And the sign of victory was V. Goals from M. Barnier, Ursula von der Leyen (2 goals), A. Merkel and E. Cantona gave Europe an easy 0-5 victory. Johnson was then replaced by midfield maestro K. 'On Me' Starmer, who vowed to rebuild the team (and the country).
india post imperials v Pakistani academic: The biggest grudge match of the 2025 FFF Finals was also the most unusual, with both sides wanting to play fantasy Test cricket. The team, led by India's high-flying spinner N. Modi and Pakistan's nationalist and populist all-rounder I. Khan, bowled instead of kicking the ball and ran racist attacks along the Line of Control in Kashmir. We spent five days immersed in religious sledding. The match has been postponed.
Bad Korea vs Good Korea: In this nuclear showdown, the belligerent lineup of evil Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been weakened by the absence of a key player who is said to be enjoying a vacation in Russia. After surviving a series of explosive near-misses early on, Good Korea Spurs star Son Heung-min sent the ball into the net like a rocket. As the rout continued, Kim rioted. After the match, the entire Bad Korea team was executed. Final score: 0 for bad Korea, 9 for good Korea.
Fantasy Football for Fascists World Cup Finals 2025 Venue: Mar-a-Lago Lager, Florida
Mad Angry Geezers Athletic v The Rest of the World XI
After a spirited start to the final, right-winger Steve Bannon eluded a police marker, fired past Rest of the World keeper Justin Trudeau (with an automatic rifle), and Maga took the lead.
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In a sensational outburst, Maga scored three more times while the rest of the world teams were in their changing rooms for a tea break. Their protests that it was half-time were rejected by Maga player-manager D. Trump. he said: “Now I'm the one making the rules. Stop it, you losers!”
The second half was a different story. T. Carlson, R. Giuliani and J. Bolton were arrested for claiming that VAR was a deep state conspiracy. M. Pompeo missed a penalty and took a powerful shot to the right. Maga's heart sank further when health czar Robert F. Kennedy Jr. failed a drug test.
The rest of the world's tiki-taka tactics ultimately paid off with five fast-break goals. President Trump, under pressure over devastating global trade tariffs, deportations of illegal immigrants, a disastrous capitulation to Russia, and interference in the Middle East, made up for MAGA's devastation by scoring a last-minute own goal.
Complaining of a sore ear, Trump was replaced by J.D. Vance in the final stages, which only made things worse (for everyone). Final Score: MAGA: 4 (Bannon, Melania, Ivanka, Hulk Hogan), Rest of the World Eleven: 6 (Messi, Ronaldo, D Tusk, T Swift, D Abbott, D Trump OG)
Golden Boot Memorial Award: alexei navalny
