Forget The Oscars — A Sports Hero Just Won The Only Award That Matters To Real Americans

I hope you didn’t notice that the Academy Awards ceremony took place last night, but it must be pretty embarrassing that real American patriots were paying attention.

Oppenhauser, these are the eclipse killers, this sports columnist has no idea what happened in Hollyweird Square last night. He was too busy preparing to present the only award that mattered, the Daily Caller John Daley Pre-Memorial Sportsman of the Year Presented by Scoop Delacroix Award.

Observant readers may wonder, then, why the 2023 DCJDPMSOTYPBSD award is being awarded in mid-March 2024. That’s a fair question. Was it because the sports columnist collected votes from a secret Scoop Council in December and forgot to announce the winner until now? No, no. Au contraire mon frère. That’s because awards season is over this year. We’re done with the NFL season and a bunch of fake stick awards. We went through all the minor versions of the Oscars. We’re going through the Oscars now. And now that the underlings have warmed up the crowd, much like the headliner band and prime-time game, we’re primed to close out the show.

The five nominees for the 2023 DCJDPMSOTYPBSD award are:

conner stallion

Connor Stallions, a former Marine turned junior football official, is accused of (allegedly) spearheading the Michigan Wolverines’ cheating operation by eavesdropping on opposing signals to coach Jim Harbaugh. In 2023, he became the center of the college football world. Michigan State’s official report said the Stallions showed up alone to a prospective opponent’s game, monitored play-calling signals, and tried to give Michigan an advantage in violation of NCAA rules. Michigan haters like this columnist will argue that the conspiracy needed to go all the way to the very top, and that Mr. Harbaugh was suspended for a period of time throughout the ordeal.

Although some people call him psychotic, Conor Stallion was actually an overachiever as well. He’s actually on the sideline wearing other team gear, and who else would be so bold as to wear video recording sunglasses at night? pic.twitter.com/uLhAP8Cck9

— Ricky Tiki (@Space7not8) November 23, 2023

Regardless, Delacroix, a daddy’s boy, often said, “If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.” And it’s entirely possible that Connor Stallions led the Wolverines to a national title after years of hitting a glass ceiling.

gavin newsome

Say what you want about the Democratic governor of California and Joe Biden’s soon-to-be-sworn-in successor, who was contested at this summer’s convention. Whether you like his reign or not, he absolutely wreaked havoc on a small Chinese kid on the basketball court during his visit to Beijing. As Americans, we should all be able to unite around that patriotic feat.

Dribble charge!
California Governor Gavin Newsom attends elementary school in Beijing. pic.twitter.com/NgJf9GRK5E

— Sharing Travel (@TripInChina) October 29, 2023

britney griner

There’s only one thing more impressive than dominating WNBA Simply being taller and more muscular than others is the same as doing it after (allegedly) spending time in a Russian prison as a weed devil. The idea of ​​swapping a WNBA player accused of domestic violence against his wife for a literal international crime mastermind known as the “Merchant of Death” was ridiculed, but Greiner averaged 17 points per game on a team that won nine games last year. He had a record of 6 RBIs. So, bigots, buckle up and eat. (Related: Joe Biden’s Brittney Griner transfer is the most interesting WNBA trade since and forever)

Fan Chenjun

The Little League World Series is truly the pinnacle of American sports.Children too young to sign up for a Facebook account due to overbearing parents are competing to reach the peak. in front While in high school, depraved gamblers cheer them on on national television. perfection.

fans took over At last year’s Little League World Series, probably only a kid who isn’t 12 would agree that he’s 21 for legal reasons. Hwang pitched a perfect inning (he struck out all three batters on three pitches each) and reached 81 mph. This is the heat that many high school hitters suffer from. He also helped lead the Taiwanese team to third place despite a disappointing loss to Curacao in the international championship match. We like it because it ruined the Chinese Communist Party.

video assistant referee

VAR has been nominated for bringing down the English Premier League. Fans have been furious in recent years at how video replay assistants have completely ruined football matches by botching calls and destroying epic moments in reviews, but football is stupid and England This is commendable, because is even more stupid. Good luck VAR.

And the winner is…

Connor Stallion!

The Stallions coveted that title more than any other college football staff last year. That’s why he deserves this title. America’s approach to college football is so free and so beautiful that it’s only fitting that perhaps the freest man in the sport be honored as Sportsman of the Year.

Connor received all votes except for first place, with a final tally of 20 points, beating silver medalist Gavin Newsome with 13 points and third place Fan Chenjun with nine points.

Congratulations, Connor — any legal issues you face as a result of your alleged cheating en route to winning a national title could be treated as persecution of real American Patriots.