You’ll find them no matter where you drive in America, whether it’s on the highways of California, the straight roads of West Texas, or the winding switchbacks of Appalachia. In fact, they will find you, as they always do.
It’s there when you’re ready to open it up a bit. It zips past you, oblivious to the fact that it’s the only thing standing between you and the freedom of the open road. I’m talking about the dreaded LLB, the left lane blocker.
You’re Captain Kirk, itching to put the warp drive of the USS Enterprise through its paces. Meanwhile, all the obstructionists in the left lane are Spock. “I will obey the posted speed limit.”
If this doesn’t resonate with you, there’s a good chance that you are one of them. Here’s a quick quiz to help you figure it out.
Have you ever noticed that when you enter a multi-lane highway, you instinctively and mysteriously gravitate in a certain direction, like some kind of migratory bird? Is it flowing further to the left and then further to the left?
Does this lane feel like home, even though intuitive reasons can’t fully explain it? Drivers with honking horns, flashing lights, and extended crossbeams block even the mass of vehicles piling up behind them. Is it a sacred place where nothing can happen?
no? good. Let’s talk about how to solve this problem.
LLB is very legalistic in its thinking. It doesn’t respond to emotions. You’re Captain Kirk, itching to put the warp drive of the USS Enterprise through its paces. LLB, on the other hand, is totally Spock. “I will obey the posted speed limit. I have paid the registration fee and the taxes that fund this road, so I have the right to use any part of it.” “Then… -And I choose this place. Your complaint that I am in front of you is very illogical.”
There is now a legal solution to this. State troopers in my home state of the People’s Republic of Illinois have the authority to issue tickets to LLBs, but they rarely do so. I calculated it. He had a total of 117,953 speeding stops and 84,257 written warnings, according to the most recent annual statistics available from the state.
In contrast, the LLB (classified as “reckless driving”) reached – Are You Ready? – a total of 287. Note that not all reckless driving citations are for left lane obstruction, so they make up an even smaller percentage of the total.
If the whip doesn’t work, try candy.
Working for the Milan-based Alfa Romeo racing program has allowed me to log quite a bit of time on the Italian autostrada. What I’m about to suggest is as commonplace there as it is on the German Autobahn or the French Autoroute (which has dedicated lanes for cars with only one forward gear and six reverse gears).
If a car is in the left lane and you are trying to pass it, you simply turn on the left lane turn signal and voila, in a miracle worthy of Fatima, they will pass the car and pass you. It will be given to you. Is it quaint? perhaps. Civilized? Just in case. Is it much better than what we do here in America? By an order of magnitude.
As we have proven, the average LLB does not have hatred in his heart. He just enjoys following the rules. Seeing the speed limit sign and seeing that it matches the number on his own speedometer fills him with civic pride.
All that is required is the same satisfying automatic attention to the left turn signal command.
“It appears that the driver behind me has activated his left turn signal. Since we are already in the far left lane, attempting a ‘lane change’ in that direction may have negative consequences. Therefore, I can only conclude that the driver activated the left turn signal.” I use the agreed signal to vacate that lane. That makes sense. ”
So, gentle reader, why not start spreading the word in the simplest terms possible? Something catchy. Maybe “Don’t think, watch your eyes blink”? Other ideas are also welcome. The important thing is to help LLBs understand that they are in the right place, which is somewhere other than the passing lane.
