As a coach in high performance and an organizational psychologist, I’ve encountered a variety of workplace dynamics. Yet, one of the most troubling observations is how successful women can sometimes undermine others of their own gender.
This behavior is often subtle but deeply damaging. If you ask women who have faced female bullying, their descriptions are often jarring—terms like “sucker punch,” “blind,” and “side swipe” emerge, indicating they never saw it coming.
Toxic friendships among women are unfortunately more prevalent than we might recognize. When these relationships falter, they often come with emotional complexities that can make it tough to extricate oneself. After all, we are inherently wired for connection.
I genuinely value the kindness and camaraderie found among women. So, when betrayal sneaks in, it feels more hurtful than if it were to come from a casual acquaintance or romantic partner. The emotional impact is significant because this kind of behavior is unexpected from fellow women. We’re supposed to be allies, right?
But what causes this sibling rivalry? Researchers, both anthropologists and psychologists, have long examined the roots of female aggression in relationships. Several studies suggest that such competition may be tied to evolutionary instincts, territorial disputes, social hierarchies, and even subtle sabotage. Regardless of whether this toxicity is rooted in deep-seated instincts or personal issues, staying in harmful friendships is not advisable.
If you find yourself in a relationship that demands more from you than it provides, it might be time to reconsider your involvement. Here’s a simple guide:
- Acknowledge the reality – If your friendship consistently feels overwhelming and exhausting, recognize that it might not be serving you well. In workplace situations, don’t just brush things under the rug. Identify the specific types of negativity—are they rude comments, or is it a repeating pattern of bullying?
- Choose your strategy – Some friendships may warrant a straightforward conversation to end them, while others might benefit from a gradual distancing. Tread carefully if these relationships are in your workplace; consult a mentor or HR if needed.
- Establish boundaries – If you decide to address the situation, be direct and honest: “Our friendship isn’t healthy for me anymore, and I need to step away.”
In professional settings, particularly among peers and superiors, the situation may not be so black and white. It could be wise to seek assistance in maintaining your mental well-being and devising strategies that won’t jeopardize your career. Unfortunately, when one woman brings another down, it can significantly hinder career growth.
Always uphold professionalism.
• Address any guilt – It’s definitely not selfish to put your own peace first. If cutting ties with a toxic friendship means leaving behind your job or social circles, that’s okay. This type of transition is often part of professional life; just handle it thoughtfully. If the situation is unbearable and you cannot envision a positive way to detach from harmful coworkers, it may be best to exit before your confidence takes a hit.
Ending a toxic friendship is more about self-preservation than cruelty. Once you step away, you open up possibilities for lighter, more authentic friendships that foster a sense of mutual uplift.
So here’s a gentle reminder: you have agency over the conditions of your relationships. You possess the strength to shape your connections. Script out what you need.
Vanessa Vershaw is the author of Sisterhood Paradox: The Psychology of February Aggression at Work (published by Central, $34.95). She is a top-tier, high-performance workplace psychologist and offers guidance to executives and decision-makers in ASX-20 and Fortune 100 companies.
