Scottie Pippen turned engagement farmer to promote shitcoin. It's a hell of a fall for an NBA Hall of Famer, but getting noticed by Elon Musk seems to be the preferred method for desperate people these days to make money using verified Twitter accounts.
This weekend, bootlicking was pushed beyond the pale by one of the silliest questions and images to ever grace social media.
It's a different matter for a delusional idiot to tweet something like this, Scotty. I know NBA, and he knows full well how stupid this is. In fact, anyone who has ever watched two seconds of NBA basketball in their life knows how stupid this lob is, unless you adore the ground Elon walks on.
Let's break this down with science. How would Elon Musk have fared with the Bulls from 1995 to 1998, Jordan's second three-peat since coming out of retirement?
What do we know about the athlete named Elon Musk?
It really comes down to this.
Photo by Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images
The key to this image is the bunting. “Full Flat with Stars and Stripes” was sold for $122.68 on the website “Flags and Banners.” Since Elon lined up straight with the Patriotic bunt when he jumped, this means we can use this to determine his vertical jump.
Flags and banners state that the bunting is 3 feet, or 36 inches, tall. You can determine the height of each banner section directly from image analysis. The distance from the top of the banner to the bottom of the flag and banner preview image is approximately 0.42 inches per pixel. Elon's heel is approximately 3 pixels below the blue starred section of the banner. This means that when we project Elon's vertex onto the banner, we get a vertical jump of 33 pixels, or 13.86 inches vertically.
Elon Musk's height is listed as 6'2 and we will take this as fact. The final part of the equation is to calculate Elon's wingspan. Thankfully, this photo with Ghislaine Maxwell is the perfect way to get an idea of how long his arms are.
Elon is probably wearing a 42 long tuxedo coat with sleeves of 23 inches inseam and chest measurement of 19.5 inches. Since Elon's fingertips are just below the bottom line of the court, we can calculate his total wingspan to be approximately 5'11, but we'll round up to an even 6 feet to be safe.
This means that the effective height that a jumping Elon Musk can attempt a shot at is 9'2.
So where does Elon fit in the rotation?
Scotty argues that Musk plays a key role in the Bulls' chances. That means he has to be a starter. If you look at the 1995 Chicago Bulls roster, there's only one thing he fits into: point guard. Obviously, his height and general lack of athleticism won't allow him to contest anything around the rim, so unfortunately for Ron Harper, he was taken out of the starting lineup and replaced by Steve Kerr. Time is also decreasing. And here's the Bulls lineup:
PG: Elon Musk
SG: Michael Jordan
SF Scottie Pippen
PF: Dennis Rodman
C: Luc Longley
What is the result?
Let's be real here: Elon averaged 0.0 points in the NBA. This was a raw productivity drop of 8.4 points per game from the point guard position, which was not really the focus of the Bulls' offense.
The main issue for Chicago has been on the defensive end, with Harper a four-time NBA All-Defensive Team selection. You'll be replacing a player who can lock down opposing point guards with Elon Musk.
Let's say the entire regular season went according to plan. The Bulls still won 72 games and advanced to the NBA Finals against the Seattle SuperSonics. Everything goes to hell here.
Elon Musk is currently in charge of protecting Gary Payton. NBA Hall of Famer Gary Payton. The same Gary Payton averaged 18.0 points in the series while primarily guarded by Ron Harper, allowing 106 points per 100 defensive possessions in the series.
Musk will be the Bulls' worst defender, and the damage he causes by having Payton brush past him on nearly every possession is immeasurable. It's safe to estimate that Gary Payton will score at least 30 points per game in this series with Musk guarding him, and that may be conservative. Sure, you could assume MJ comes in to double Payton (because he has to at this point), but Hershey, who was the Sonics' best perimeter shooter in the 1995-96 season, Hawkins will be vacant.
Factor in Payton's extra points per game and the loss of Harper's 6.5 points per game, and the Bulls' swing is -18.5 points. Here's what happens in that series.
Game 1: Sonics won 102-101 (Bulls won 107-90)
Game 2: Sonics 100-85 win (Bulls 92-98 win)
Game 3: Bulls won 101-98 (Bulls won 108-86)
Game 4: Sonics 119-80 victory (Sonics 107-86 victory)
Game 5: Sonics won 101-72 (Sonics won 89-78)
Sonics win 1995-96 NBA Championship (4-1)
So what happens in the next two years? Ah, sweet summer child…things get even worse. In both the 96-97 and 97-98 seasons, the Bulls faced the Utah Jazz. Now you're asking Elon Musk to guard John Stockton, who shot 40% from three during the series.
Both series were closer than the Bulls vs. Sonics in 1995-96. Stockton will only light up Elon from beyond the arc, and a quick guess is that the Jazz will sweep the Bulls in either series.
In response to Scottie Pippen's question…
“How many championships could Elon Musk have won?”
Minus 6. There were 6 fewer people. 2 3 Neither of Pete's happens. The whole world is wondering why a slow, unathletic billionaire is playing point guard for the Chicago Bulls. Entire dynasties collapse. Phil Jackson is considered the worst coach in NBA history, starting a player as bad as Elon at that point. Jordan likely won't come out of retirement, knowing it would mean playing with Elon again.
Scotty, I hope this answers your question.
