Care and Feeding is a column focused on parenting advice. Do you have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a father of two teenage girls—“Allie,” who is 14, and “Dana,” who is 16. Their mother passed away eight months ago after a brief and painful illness. Given the circumstances, the girls are coping well. They’ve managed to keep up with school and seem to be handling things, though they certainly miss their mom. I do, too, of course. However, I’ve found myself unexpectedly in love.
My work requires me to travel one week each month. In the wake of my wife’s illness and for two months afterwards, I avoided travel to be with the girls. But eventually, I had to resume my trips. (Luckily, my mother-in-law stays with them while I’m away.) About two months ago, during one of those trips, I met a woman named “Miriam.” We connected, and, well, things just took off between us.
Currently, we’re seeing each other once a month, but we’re looking toward the future. I could transfer to her city full-time eventually, but I want to wait until both girls are in college. I haven’t mentioned Miriam to the girls yet because it feels too soon. I really don’t want them to think I didn’t love their mother or that I moved on too fast. My instinct was to wait until after the one-year mark of their mother’s passing to say anything. But then I worry about keeping Miriam a secret from them. I’d like for them to meet her eventually.
—Dad-in-Love
Dear Dad-in-Love,
You have to recognize that you moved quite rapidly in this situation, and it’s unlikely your daughters will perceive it any other way. You’re in a tough spot now. You could either tell them right away, which might upset them for some time, or wait, at which point they’re likely to piece together the timeline and still feel hurt. Either way, it’s a challenge.
I’d suggest going with the first option and telling them. Right now, they may feel like you’ve betrayed their mother. But if you wait too long, they could feel even more betrayed when they find out. You could explain that you’re bringing this up now because things are getting serious with Miriam. Yes, it might sound a bit like you’re avoiding the issue by writing for advice, but it’s better than saying nothing.
Start by expressing how much you loved their mother. Acknowledge that they might be upset with you over how quickly this is all happening. Ideally, they might see that meeting Miriam was not an intentional act to disrespect their mother’s memory—but realistically, that may be a tough sell.
Hold off on introducing Miriam to them right away. Just because you’ve advanced quickly doesn’t mean they should feel pressured to do the same. Let them meet her when they’re ready. Share that you’re bringing this into the open because it’s an important part of your life and that you wouldn’t want to keep it hidden. Keeping it a secret would certainly make things worse. Afterward, just be there to listen to their feelings.
—Greg
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I live in an apartment with neighbors nearby. My three-year-old throws very loud tantrums at night—like banging on the door and screaming, just really over-the-top stuff. Sometimes, it goes on until 3 AM! I’ve tried everything from making sure she’s well-fed before bed to establishing a bedtime routine. But she always ends up having meltdowns. How can I get her to stop? I’m worried that neighbors might report us, and I’m at a loss about what to do.
