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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife and I have a 5-year-old son, “Archer,” who can be quite the handful. Recently, at my sister’s wedding, Archer dashed in front of the staff bringing out the cake, which led to a disaster. We ended up covering the cost of the cake, but now, not just my sister, but our entire extended family has decided Archer can’t come to any of their events until he’s older. Isn’t that a bit over the top for what is essentially a typical 5-year-old moment?
—Accidents Happen
Dear Accidents Happen,
Free Archer! Honestly, picturing your little guy causing a commotion and knocking over a wedding cake—like a tiny Mr. Bean—amuses me greatly. Still, I can see why your family feels that way, especially since you admit Archer can be a bit much sometimes. I’d actually love to hear more about his “historical” antics if you’re willing to share.
That said, I suspect your sister and the rest of the family might soften with time, realizing how unreasonable it is to ban Archer from all future gatherings—as if he were some disruptive fan at a sporting event. For now, maybe keep him home for the more formal occasions, but make sure you’re the one deciding what consequences he faces.
Some folks take their weddings far too seriously and can’t handle the Archers of the world, but that’s their issue, not yours. You paid for the cake, and while you can skip bringing him to the next wedding, don’t ever let them sideline Archer completely.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Is it okay to tell a child “no” if they aren’t my family or friends’ kids? I’ve worked various jobs, mainly retail and after-school programs, and had a rule for kids: no climbing, throwing, or wrestling. I would kneel down and firmly say, “No. That’s not safe.” But both my retail and after-school employers told me it was inappropriate to intervene in how others raise their children. Is there a better approach, or should I stop saying anything at all? I don’t have kids of my own, and my experience is mostly with my younger siblings.
—When to Say No?
Dear When to Say No,
This is tricky. On the one hand, absolutely, you’re right to want to keep kids safe and prevent them from becoming disruptive in public spaces. Yet—and this is a big “but”—you might be fine with policing other people’s kids, but I would struggle if you did that with mine.
For example, a while back, my three kids (ages 6, 7, and 8) were with me at a restaurant. After we ate, they decided to use a single-stall bathroom, and another adult, who had been rude to his server, impatiently called out to them. I felt like I could explode, wanting to confront him. Yes, it’s within your rights to guide unruly kids, but don’t be shocked if an upset parent challenges your approach. So, if confrontation isn’t your thing, maybe it’s best to let it slide.
—A.J.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
What’s the current stance on letting young children go to the bathroom in public parks? I remember doing it all the time as a kid, but that seems less accepted now. Meanwhile, dogs are everywhere and can urinate freely. What’s the deal?
