Dear Abby Advice
Dear Abby: I’ve always been someone who tries to look beyond the surface when it comes to judging people. For the past six years, I’ve had a friend who lives next door, “Tim.” He reminds me a lot of Kramer from Seinfeld in some ways.
I have OCD and tend to be quite particular about cleanliness. I work hard to provide for myself and my kids, while Tim relies on various government assistance programs. He’s a hoarder, and his dog is often dirty. It’s so bad that Tim leaves himself notes to remember to wash his hands. Politically, we couldn’t be more different. He often shows narcissistic tendencies and becomes infuriated when someone disagrees with him. Despite all this, I feel a sense of pity for him, which is why I maintain a friendly relationship.
Tim frequently invites me over for dinners and events, but I usually decline. He doesn’t have a lot of money, so I try to help him when he needs it. Lately, though, I’ve felt like he’s starting to take my kindness for granted, and I find myself drifting away from him. I can see that he’s becoming more emotionally and financially isolated. How can I gracefully end this friendship without pushing him over the edge? — Neighbors in Nevada
Dear Neighbor: Friendships should ideally offer something to both parties. From what you’ve shared, it seems like your relationship with Tim has become quite one-sided. It might be wise to continue turning down his invitations, engage less when he wants to unload his problems on you, and refrain from giving him financial support.
Dear Abby: I’ve been grappling with some past incidents where I didn’t have the chance to voice my side. My father once allowed me to invite a few of my closest college friends over for a holiday dinner, but my stepmother was clearly opposed.
A week before the event, my stepmother’s father confronted me, harshly criticizing my decision to invite a friend, insisting that “Holidays are for families.” I was taken aback by his comments, especially since we’ve always learned that holidays are about sharing with others, including those who may not have family to celebrate with. After that dinner, my stepmother declared she wouldn’t ever have friends over again.
Even now, about 25 years later, I think back on that moment with regret, wishing I’d stood up for myself. What do you think I should have said at that time? — Seeking closure
For those in similar situations: Before your stepmother came into the picture, you might’ve said something like it’s perfectly fine to celebrate the holidays with friends. Now that she’s in charge, it may be best to arrange those celebrations elsewhere. I hope you can embrace the values of inclusion that you naturally possess as you grow older.
