Our advice columnists have gathered a wealth of experiences over the years, so today we’re revisiting past letters from Care and Feeding to share with our readers.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and we have two daughters, ages 3 and 5. Although we’ve tried to show him as a fun and loving parent, the girls have always preferred me. My oldest can be unnecessarily cruel to him, often resisting his attempts at affection or help, which really hurts him because he loves her deeply. I acknowledge her disrespectful behavior and address it, but I’ve also overheard conversations that make me uncomfortable about how he interacts with her.
He can be quite harsh. When he takes things personally, it often leads to yelling or sarcasm, which isn’t great. For example, during a recent argument he said, “You better stop now before I get really angry. Just shut up.” He tends to respond similarly to me during disagreements, which bothers me. I tend to forgive and move on rather than dwell on conflicts, but if we analyze his communication style too closely, he often shuts down.
I’ve raised my concerns about how he argues and the impact of his behavior on our daughter and their relationship. Occasionally, he’s receptive and tries to communicate better, remaining calm and patient for a while. However, if he doesn’t see changes in her behavior, he goes back to yelling, insisting that his approach is more effective.
I hesitate to intervene too much, but I’m genuinely worried about how this affects my daughter. He’s not as hard on our younger child since she connects with him easily, and he can be more forgiving of her behaviors. Generally, he is a good dad, but I’m at my wit’s end, feeling he needs to take on some parenting responsibilities instead of acting like a child throwing a tantrum. How do I navigate this situation without overstepping and risking my daughter’s emotional well-being?
—Mommy in the Middle
Dear Mommy in the Middle,
Issues like sarcasm, passive-aggressiveness, and withdrawal during disagreements create significant obstacles for adults, and those are magnified in parent-child dynamics. It sounds like your husband is struggling with effective communication both with you and your daughters. He hasn’t fully mastered it with you, which complicates matters further when it comes to his girls.
You’re not responsible for fixing this for him. Ignoring his behavior or making excuses won’t help anyone in the long run. That might actually enable him to revert to negative patterns, while also teaching your daughters to downplay their feelings regarding how he treats them.
Your older daughter is already aware of the difficulties in interacting peacefully with her dad. It’s good that she’s still asserting herself and voicing her needs, which suggests she hasn’t emotionally shut down yet. She hasn’t internalized the notion that her father’s behavior should be overlooked or quickly forgiven without genuine apologies or promises of change. Establishing healthier communication is more feasible while she’s still expressing her feelings.
This issue might be too complex to resolve without assistance anymore. Your family could benefit from an outside mediator who can provide better strategies for communication. Have you thought about family counseling? Would your husband be open to it? That could be a viable option for reducing conflict at home.
—Stacia L. Brown
From: Dear Care and Feeding: My Husband Needs Help Controlling His Anger. (October 4th, 2021).
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a parent to a wonderful 3-year-old. I usually adopt a calm and gentle parenting approach, and people see me as a good mom. I work hard for that label. However, I struggle with secret OCD, which I’ve had since I was a tween. It leads to severe panic attacks in the night. I find myself overwhelmed by tasks and plagued by intrusive thoughts, sometimes violent (but I would never act on them).
I want to get help for my mental state, but my concern is for my daughter. A friend lost custody of his child, and she’s a mixed-race beauty, much like mine. I recognize that I could be viewed through that lens, and I worry about mandatory reporters. We recently moved in with extended family after using Medicaid, but I’ve gained employment with health insurance. Given my mixed-race family background and mental health issues, I can see how a case could be built against me. I can’t shake the feeling that someone might take my daughter away.
I keep my struggles hidden from everyone, even my daughter. I guess I’m only hurting myself here. My main question is: Would a therapist who knows my situation report me as an unfit parent? I can’t trust a therapist fully, so is there such a thing as anonymous therapy? Should I just wait until my daughter turns 18 to seek help? I’ve managed for two decades; I could wait longer. But I really don’t want to.
—Needing Relief in the South
Dear Needing Relief in the South,
It’s impressive you’ve managed your health condition without outside help, but you shouldn’t have to continue that way throughout your daughter’s childhood. You deserve to pursue mental health resources without fearing loss of custody. I also want to address how race plays into your concerns. Documented racial disparities exist in child welfare, so your fears are legitimate. Fortunately, some organizations are working towards reform.
As you noted, therapists are mandated reporters for any child abuse. I’m not a legal expert, but if your mental health challenges don’t harm your daughter, your parental rights should be protected. Under the ADA and other laws, child welfare programs should not discriminate against parents with disabilities. OCD should only prompt intervention in cases of actual harm.
It might be wise to talk with a potential counselor about your worries before committing to a session. Make sure both you and the therapist are clear on your rights. But don’t let your fear of therapy deter you from seeking it. Getting the help you need will enhance your life—and your daughter’s.
—S.L.B.
From: Dear Care and Feeding: Is It Inappropriate for My 12-Year-Old and Me to Share a Bed? (September 20th, 2021).
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 30-year-old woman with no kids and not much experience with them. I’ve never been particularly good with kids. Recently, my husband and I moved to a suburban area with many children. We have a small fenced yard and a cute puppy that needs to go out multiple times a day. The kids in the neighborhood have taken a liking to him, often running over when we’re outside, and some even hop the fence to play with him without asking. My dog has some aggression issues, so I feel stressed having to supervise that.
I work from home and lack the time, knowledge, or energy to ensure these neighborhood kids are safe in my yard. I’d rather not be babysitting children in my own space. They ring my doorbell when I’m not outside, further interrupting my work. I’m unsure if this is typical behavior for kids, but it’s becoming overwhelming. How can I stop this? Should I address it with the kids, their parents, or consider moving? I’m seeking help!
—Puppy Problems
Dear Puppy Problems,
I love when kids are part of a neighborhood but not when you feel trapped in your own home. I’m not sure how old these kids are, but if they’re around six or seven, maybe you could try speaking to them directly? It’s understandable since they’ve formed a habit of coming over, so addressing both hopping the fence and ringing your doorbell separately might be best.
To stop the hopping, explain you’re working with a trainer who says having kids around makes training difficult. This shifts responsibility away from you to an external authority. For the doorbell situation, it might be necessary to directly ask them to stop because it disrupts your work.
This advice assumes the kids will respond reasonably to boundaries you set. If you find they don’t, then discussing it with their parents may be the next step. Hopefully, your neighbors would be mortified to learn their kids are bothering someone and want to resolve it. Also, keep in mind that your puppy will grow up and, over time, may become less of an attractive nuisance. That’s something in your favor.
—Rebecca Onion
From: Dear Care and Feeding: A Gang of Neighborhood Kids Is Holding Me Hostage in My Own Home. (October 6th, 2021).
More Parenting Advice From Slate
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