I'm 60 years old And I was in a long term relationship Over 20 years with my partner. We have been extremely unhappy for years.
There are frequent conflicts in our relationships About the small things. When we don't agree with something, I'll be blamed for me Stubbornness or lack of empathy. Harmless interactions can turn into conflicts that often end when my partner criticizes my actions. I'm said to be moody, insensitive, immature and looking down.
It's been said many times Drag us. I discussed the issue with her and wrote an email explaining my feelings, but I rarely received a reply.
Couple counseling was proposed. We participated When you think we're moving in the right direction, four or five sessions, My partner asked me to stop. When I asked why she didn't want to continue, She said I was looking for a third party to verify my points.
Conflicts can last for hours. My partner never retreats, even when I told her She's hurting me. I decided to try to ease the conflict by leaving the room when I saw where the argument was heading. He was told he had escaped by leaving the room..
I know There is my flaw. If she had concluded that I wasn't the right person for her, I explained. We can end the relationship. She has never agreed to move in that direction.
I feel like I'm in a relationship that I don't fulfill Both partners. I really appreciate any advice on how to move forward.
Your letter gave me a real sense of resignation, but there were some hopes as well, as you know you want to make things different. And they can. You can still see whether you can see it with your partner or yourself. I have to say there was also a potential emotional abuse component.
I went to Jackie Kieran, a registered psychotherapist with the UKCP. She said: “You say “from small things to frequent conflict” suggests that it's not a small thing in your relationship, but a theme underlying them. These are actually about imbalances of power, or lack of respect or care. ”
These “little things” clearly have roots elsewhere and may be worth digging deeper to solve what they are. Counseling is the ideal way to do this. But you can't force your partner into it, so why not consider going alone to a place where you can hear your voice? As Kieran says, couples' counseling is not that one partner is right and the other partner is wrong, but that one person will “translate” to the other in turn, so she does so. It's really a shame not to take into consideration it. This helps each individual to hear what is actually being said.
“The issue of responsibility,” Kieran continued. However, in reality, it is very rare for an individual to be fully responsible for the difficulties in the relationship. “It's important to try and solve the difficulties. “And if we are focused on winning or rights, we miss the opportunity to challenge the old, useless ways of relating and resolving conflicts. Always win or what's right is the long term It's a short-term victory that comes from the price.”
One partner finds all the responsibility (it looks like it's going on here), doesn't try to solve anything, doesn't even reply to emails (rude and very blocked), couples make you very appropriate As I say, I'm stuck. Maybe your partner was never allowed to fall into the wrong growth or was seriously punished. Or she is afraid to see the reality of what will happen to your relationship.
This is why I think it really helps because, at least as a starting point, the individual therapy may focus on you. Unfortunately, if your partner is not involved, you need to think about your future.
Sixty is young and still has years left for you, so it's a long time to be unhappy. Also, be aware that there are children that need to be considered. This isn't easy either. Even children and adults learn from examples set by parents. It may give you something to consider. Good luck.
Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses personal issues sent by readers. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please submit the question ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal communications. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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