Parenting Dilemma: A Teen’s Reluctance to Drive

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 15-year-old son isn’t interested in learning to drive. He has had the chance to work on getting his permit for over a year now, yet he’s completely against starting the process. I find this confusing. When I was 16, my friends and I rushed to the DMV as soon as we could. It felt like a big milestone!

But my son? He’s not just indifferent—he actively dislikes the idea. He questions why he should spend his summer in driving school, especially since he believes that driving could lead to accidents and, ultimately, death. His words remind me that he’s genuinely anxious about being on the road and, more importantly, about potentially hurting someone else.

A friend suggested I should offer him a bribe, but honestly, there’s nothing he wants badly enough to outweigh his wish to avoid driving. Forcing him to learn feels wrong—I’m not even sure how that would work. I’m considering backing off on giving him rides and seeing how he handles things on his own. We live a bike ride away from a bus stop, which makes public transportation tricky, but still, I think he needs to face some consequences. He’s a sensitive, deep thinker, and I don’t believe he’s being difficult on purpose; it seems more like anxiety and a fear of change. This isn’t the first time he’s reacted strongly to an upcoming life change. He really is a great kid—I mean, top-tier. But the stress surrounding driving is piling up for both of us, and I’m unsure how to proceed.

Dear (Not) Driving,

It sounds like we might be in the same boat—our kids are at similar ages—and yeah, getting your license at 16 was definitely the norm. I remember feeling like such a failure when my own parents took their time signing me up for driver’s ed; I ended up getting my license a few months after my birthday. However, many teens today don’t share that urgency for various reasons.

It might be helpful to have a calm and understanding conversation with your son about his driving apprehensions. If he can make the first step toward getting his permit, it might open the door for him to drive with you. But be cautious not to make him feel inadequate for not being ready to drive—whatever is going on in his mind, it’s important that he feels safe expressing it to you, without additional pressure. You don’t want to heighten his anxiety or make driving an even bigger issue for him.

I wouldn’t advise pulling back too much on the rides either. Sure, you won’t always be able to say yes, and that’s okay, but withholding rides could come off as passive-aggressive. He hasn’t done anything wrong—he’s still a kid and needs help, just like any other teen. Friendships are vital at his age; isolating him from friends because of his hesitation could aggravate his anxiety and overall well-being.

It’s understandable to be frustrated, but keep in mind that he’s just 15. There’s plenty of time ahead for him to learn how to drive. With some patience, he might eventually feel ready to take that step when he’s ready.

Addressing Aggression in Young Siblings

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have three boys: “Otto,” who’s almost 8; “Fred,” who’s nearly 5; and the youngest, “Tommy,” who just turned 21 months. I’m facing a challenge with Tommy, who has taken to hitting Fred—not in a playful way, but hard enough to cause tears. Curiously, he doesn’t direct this behavior at Otto and seems fine with kids at school. It’s only Fred, and this pattern is concerning.

We do respond by saying things like “No, Tommy, we don’t hit,” but I’m unsure if that message is resonating or if it might actually be reinforcing his actions. When he uses a toy as a weapon, we take it away, which seems to be the clearest consequence. Still, I’m stuck on what to do next. I could separate Tommy, but that sometimes feels more like a reward than a punishment, especially when they’re young. I can’t be in two places at once if I’m the only parent home, nor do I want to leave Fred alone and upset while I sit with Tommy. I’m aware that a 21-month-old doesn’t fully grasp everything, but there seems to be an underlying issue that can’t just be ignored. What steps can we take?

Dear Hitting Trouble,

It seems like you’re already addressing the situation well by making it clear that hitting isn’t acceptable. A short timeout could help, but you’re right that focusing that attention solely on Tommy might send the wrong message. If you find yourself alone with the kids, focus on comforting Fred to help him feel supported, while also reinforcing that hitting won’t earn Tommy your attention.

You’re correct that there’s something behind Tommy’s behavior. Pay attention to what happens just before he hits Fred. Is he angry with Fred, or was his day already frustrating? Does he tend to lash out more when tired, hungry, or after Fred has gotten attention? It might be that he’s seeking interaction and trying to grab someone’s focus. Discovering what triggers the behavior may allow you to prevent it better.

If Tommy seems to want Fred’s attention specifically, you could model gentler forms of interaction, such as hugs or high-fives. And of course, make sure to praise Tommy for any gentle or kind behavior he shows towards Fred.

More Parenting Advice

My daughter, “Amanda,” is 12. Her best friend, “Amber,” has a 15-year-old sister, “Mara,” who recently got her learner’s permit and is practicing driving. However, today Amanda mentioned that Amber and Mara’s parents allowed Mara to drive them both on a lengthy highway trip, and it left me feeling uneasy. What are your thoughts?