This is a newsletter bonus question. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife, Nadia, and I have been married for six years and have been together for ten. Our marriage is strong, but there’s one significant issue causing tension: we both want kids, but we disagree on how to proceed.

Nadia firmly believes we should either adopt or use an egg donor. She has family members who struggle with serious mental health issues like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and major depression. Nadia feels lucky to have escaped these genetic predispositions and isn’t willing to risk passing on those tendencies to a child, given her family history.

On the other hand, I’d prefer to have a biological child together. I understand that mental illness can affect adopted children or those conceived with a donor egg, too. However, Nadia insists she has “bad genes” and doesn’t want to knowingly pass them on, fearing the lifelong consequences for a child. Is her viewpoint reasonable?

—You Never Know What You’ll Get

Dear Never Know,

Absolutely, your wife’s wish to adopt or use an egg donor is a reasonable stance. Her eggs are part of her body, and she has every right to decide what to do with them. While you’ve expressed your desire to have a child using her eggs and your sperm, it’s important to recognize that she views this as a non-starter. Respecting her decision is crucial.

She doesn’t need a specific justification to not want to pass on her genes, but her reasoning is well-founded. Yes, it’s true that a combination of her egg and your sperm might not yield a child with mental illness, but it’s equally possible they could. The difference with adopting or using a donor egg is that the risk of inherited mental illness is minimized. It allows her to relieve herself of the guilt that could arise from having passed on any of these known risks.

I can understand your desire for a child that is a mix of both of you; that sounds lovely. It’s entirely okay to feel a sense of loss about it, but it’s important to come to terms with this situation, as you would with any other medical concern.

Regardless of how your child comes into the world, they will be half yours and half Nadia’s. Genetics play a role in who we are, sure, but how you both parent and the environment you create will also have immense influence. And that—well, that’s also beautiful.

—Logan

Classic Prudie

My father was murdered over 30 years ago, when I was just six. I don’t think there was ever an investigation, although his death certificate lists homicide as the cause. This occurred in Detroit during the ’80s, and I was told it was a robbery that went wrong. Around my 16th birthday, my paternal grandmother, on her deathbed, told me that my uncle—my mother’s brother—was responsible for my father’s murder.