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Dear Pay Dirt,
My wife and I are in our mid-50s with two kids both in college. Recently, our neighbors requested a chat with us. During this meeting, they showed us some startling video from their security cameras.
The video showed my mother-in-law, Gladys, peeking into their windows, trying the handle on their front door, and wandering through their yard, attempting to enter through their patio door. We were incredibly embarrassed and offered our apologies.
Gladys, who is 80, moved in with us a few months ago after she could no longer afford her rental. To say it’s been difficult would be an understatement. Just a week after she moved in, Gladys began to believe that our neighbors—who, by the way, have never even met her—were spying on her and had placed hidden devices in our home to monitor her. They are often away themselves due to their business commitments. When we confronted Gladys with what the neighbors showed us, she claimed she was simply looking for “evidence” and accused us of siding with them.
That evening, I mentioned to my wife that we really need to have her mother evaluated for dementia and consider a care facility. My wife, however, believes we should just keep a close watch on her and maybe install some door alarms that would alert us if she tries to leave. How can I persuade her that these issues are beyond what we can manage ourselves?
—Dementia Doesn’t Get Better
Dear Dementia Doesn’t Get Better,
You seem to have a good sense of what’s at play here. The behavior you describe—paranoia about neighbors spying, claims of bugged phones, searching for proof, and accusing you of being complicit—are all common signs of cognitive decline. This isn’t just a behavioral issue; it’s a medical matter that requires immediate intervention.
That said, I want to acknowledge that it might not necessarily be dementia. Sudden, paranoid behavior in the elderly can sometimes stem from a urinary tract infection, reactions to medication, vitamin deficiencies, confusion from an underlying illness, or even depression. The silver lining here is that some of these causes can be reversible if caught early. This emphasizes the importance of having Gladys evaluated as soon as possible to help maintain her cognitive abilities or potentially reverse her condition.
Now, regarding your wife’s idea of door alarms—those won’t address the root of the problem. They’re merely a temporary fix for symptoms that could escalate without appropriate diagnosis and care. Just think about it: Gladys was trespassing on your neighbors’ property within weeks of moving in. That’s not something a simple door chime can resolve.
I empathize with your wife; witnessing a parent’s decline is incredibly hard, and denial can often set in. But, the kindest course of action for Gladys is to arrange for her to be assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist. Frame it to your wife not as giving up, but as a pathway to obtaining the right help that ensures her mother has the best possible quality of life. Start looking for resources—Alzheimers.gov, the Alzheimer’s Foundation of America, and AARP’s Dementia Resource Guide all offer valuable information.
One last note: Your neighbors were quite understanding. Just consider, their patience may be limited.
—Ilyce
Classic Prudie
My fiancée and I are set to marry this summer, with a wedding budget of $30,000 for 175 guests—well below the state average, particularly since we’re in the largest metropolitan area. My father, a wealthy but frugal multimillionaire, has only offered $7,500 because he believes, out of principle, that each parent should cover a quarter of the costs.
