IAs I waited for a coffee near the main entrance of Westminster’s Emmanuel Centre, a well-dressed man leaned over and whispered: ‘Did you manage to get your MP across the finish line?’ I was mistaken for one of the men left at the end, most of them men. True believers.
I don’t want to upset him, so I just tweet that we had a woman win – I won’t mention that the woman was Labour’s Rosena Allin-Khan – and it might just crush him completely.
This is the Populist Conservative group’s second gathering; at the first, earlier this year, there was a decidedly more lively atmosphere. Liz Truss was the star speaker, and Nigel Farage and Lee Anderson were in attendance and soaking up the atmosphere. There was also Holly Vallance, a star unknown at any rabid right-wing event, back when the Conservative Party still mattered.
Not so now. The speakers list is a litany of lazy people and incompetents. Chic Lizzie is nowhere to be seen. The organisation that seemed built for her coronation is now without the Queen. Since losing her seat last week, Truss has been in a foul mood, not answering the phone or even getting out of bed. But she will keep receiving her ex-PM’s £110,000-a-year stipend.
Half the auditorium was roped off, and by the time the meeting (if you can call it that) began, only about 200 people remained. Still, there were 14 people waiting to follow the proceedings on YouTube. Which is fine. In the background, Gerry Rafferty’s Get It Right Next Time was playing over the PA system. At least someone had a sense of humour. It won’t be long before we have to rethink the popular strands of conservatism.
Annunziata (Nancy to the public) Rees-Mogg introduces herself. “I’m so glad so many of you have come,” she says. It’s unclear whether this is sarcasm or just relief that everyone in her WhatsApp group has turned up.
“You shouldn’t congratulate a colleague who loses their seat,” she added. “But if you have to, you can. Clearly, there’s no love lost for her brother, Jacob. And we’re not here to assign blame. You might have fooled me.”
Next up is Mark Littlewood, former director of the Institute of Economic Affairs and architect (if you can call him that) of Liz Truss’s economic miracle. He sets the tone of delusion perfectly. Now is the time for a great turnaround, he declares. This is not the time to campaign for the leadership. Perfect, because the only person in the room is Wendy Morton MP, and she’s not allowed to speak. Imagine being considered too much of a burden by the populace.
The tone is relentless. The Conservatives are too woke, too left-wing. Listening to these guys, you’d imagine the last 14 years were a socialist paradise. Cameron, May, Johnson and Sunak were all left-wing radicals. This unfortunate few knew and loved the double agents dedicated to destroying the Conservative Party. David Starkey even thought Margaret Thatcher was a closet leftist. I’d rather have a dead Maggie than a living Rishi.
“Are we learning from this catastrophe?” sobs David Frost. Ugh… the idea that Frosty the Norman might learn from anything is the ultimate miscategorization. It requires the cognitive abilities of a three-year-old. Oddly, in right-wing circles, Dave is seen as something of an intellectual; a man who stands up for hard truths. To the rest of us, he looks like he can barely dress himself.
Frosty’s thoughtless opinion is that the last Tory government betrayed the Conservative Party. Maybe one day he’ll realise he was in fact part of it. This might be his way of expressing how much he hates himself. The only man to ever make such a passive aggressive move against himself. Not to mention he’s complaining about the Brexit deal he helped negotiate. He’s hopeless. I think we should feel sorry for him.
Suella Braverman speaks literally over the phone, pre-recorded from Washington DC. She seems completely lost. She seems content to fill the void left by Liz on the lucrative neo-con speaking circuit in the US. She sounds as if she would be happy to never return. A loss for the US, a gain for us. She will stop at nothing to destroy the Conservative Party and keep them out of power for at least three terms, flush out the One Nation softies and split the Conservative Party back into its mad base.
You know your conference is in crisis when Jacob Rees-Mogg is the sanest person in the room. “We’re irrelevant. Nobody listens to us, except sketch writers looking for a laugh,” he says. But his sanity doesn’t last long. His advice is for the party to join the Reform Party and remain in opposition forever. Remember, it’s party members who produce the best leaders. It’s the return of Chic Lizzie. The woman who sunk a thousand ships.
To see what a truly popular party looks like, one only had to look at the House of Commons, where 412 Labour MPs gathered together to elect the Speaker. Poor Pat McFadden was hiding in the shadows at the exit. Not since 1997 had the transfer of power been so clearly demonstrated. The new Cabinet were beaming with smiles. They had been waiting a long time for this.
The tradition is that the Speaker must look reluctant to be in the position. Lindsay Hoyle did the opposite: he loved the position and would miss it if it wasn’t there. And he dragged Cat Smith and David Davis up to the Speaker’s chair. He couldn’t get there fast enough.
Then the speeches began. Keir Starmer paid tribute to Hoyle and called for some MPs to stop being so self-centred. Dream on. He also squeezed out some empty words about Diane Abbott’s elevation to the position of MPM mother. Oh, and it was Starmer who was trying to stop Abbott from standing in Hackney.
Rishi Sunak has looked lonely in his final weeks and months as Leader of the Opposition. It must have been painful for him. But he has a more gracious attitude to defeat than he did as Chancellor. It’s quite pleasing.
There is not much more to say about Nigel Farage. A leader’s speech should be calm and apolitical. Preferably entertaining. Nigel failed on all three counts. He was not one to read the room. He went on and on about John Bercow and the betrayal of Brexit. And he lied about his party having no parliamentary experience. Lee Anderson is pretty much right. But with Nigel, it’s all about Nigel, all the time. That’s true if you want to start or go on.