How to Do It is a sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband recently discovered a skin growth on his penis, initially thought to be an unusual mole. After some persuasion, he visited the doctor, and to our surprise, it turned out to be a genital wart. While I’m relieved it’s not cancer, I’m baffled!
We’ve been in a committed relationship for 15 years, and I absolutely trust him when he says there’s been no infidelity. So how could this happen? The doctor advised him not to worry too much. We’ve read some medical literature suggesting non-sexual transmission of genital warts, but it seems anecdotal. Is it really possible? Can he have contracted an STD without any sexual contact?
—Suspicious of Toilet Seats
Dear Suspicious of Toilet Seats,
You might find it comforting to know there are credible explanations for how your husband’s wart could have appeared without infidelity. Dr. Adam Friedman, a dermatology professor, mentioned that the idea of being faithful isn’t the only possible narrative here. The leading theory is viral latency. It’s believable that a dormant HPV infection, which often lays low for years or even decades, could be responsible. This means it may be impossible to pinpoint when or where he contracted it.
Friedman referenced a study from 2012 indicating that a significant number of HPV detections occurred during periods of monogamy or abstinence. The researchers found that most new HPV infections resulted from past sexual activity rather than current ones, suggesting a model of viral latency and reactivation.
Dr. Friedman further explained, “Your husband likely contracted this HPV, likely a type responsible for most genital warts, before your relationship. It might have been lying dormant until factors, such as aging, stress, or illness, triggered its appearance.” He noted that even when HPV isn’t actively detected, it can still hang around with occasional reactivations, similar to how herpes can flare up after being dormant.
This aspect of HPV is interesting yet often overlooked. Friedman pointed out instances where reactivation has been seen after kidney transplants, indicating that latent infections can become active due to normal immune fluctuations with aging or stress.
To wrap up, he advised considering both your and your husband’s HPV statuses. If you’ve been sexually active over 15 years, there’s a likelihood of prior exposure to the same strain. Regular health check-ups, like annual pap smears, are prudent. The doctor’s casual reassurance might have been an attempt to reduce stress, but the truth remains that HPV can remain in the skin for years, surfacing unexpectedly. This doesn’t inherently reflect any infidelity on your husband’s part.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend believes he has low testosterone, yet he’s also really insecure about his stamina and his libido seems to be low. How can I help him realize he’s the best I’ve ever been with? I miss the intimacy we once had, and he insists it’s not about me.
—Now I’m Insecure (she/her)
Dear Now I’m Insecure,
Keep reassuring him. If you haven’t already said it directly, communicate how much you value what you shared. You might suggest alternative forms of intimacy—like oral, cuddling, or other non-sexual activities—that don’t place pressure on his stamina. If he feels limited by his energy or confidence, encourage him to focus on little things that still strengthen your connection.
If his low testosterone concerns are backed by doctor results, he should consult about possible treatments. If he’s just guessing, suggest he get tested to clarify his suspicions. A host of factors, such as stress or low self-esteem, can affect libido, and while you can’t solve those for him, being supportive matters.
If he struggles with his stamina, let him know that you find some aspects endearing, like if he’s quick to finish. Should his anxiety linger without improvement in a few weeks, consider professional help like couples counseling or sex coaching; sometimes having an expert can ease these discussions.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m on the brink of having the freedom to date and hopefully, engage in sexual experiences. Growing up with overprotective parents has left me with little to no relationship experience. Heading to college soon, I’m pondering how to navigate this newfound independence.
While I identify as being on the ace spectrum, I struggle with where exactly I fit. Sometimes sexual activity feels daunting, while other times it seems appealing. The challenge is that it feels theoretical until I actually experience it. I’m not into casual hookups, so how should I articulate my feelings—or lack thereof—to a potential partner? I worry about leading someone on if I find I’m not really interested.
—Just Want to Try Some Stuff Out
Dear Just Want to Try Some Stuff Out,
When initiating these discussions, keep your approach straightforward. You clearly can express your feelings, but overly sharing can overwhelm a potential partner. It might help to frame your inexperience as an exploration you can embark on together, which could pique their interest.
Since you’re not after casual relationships, don’t need to delve into your uncertainties too early. Focus first on building emotional connections. If sexual topics arise, that’s a natural moment to share where you stand. Remember, it’s not the same as misleading someone; forming a connection comes without guaranteeing sex.
Your fluctuating feelings about sexual activity are not unique to you; many people go through similar highs and lows in desire. As for your interest in cucking, it’s a more involved concept that would need a willing partner. What you mention leans toward voyeurism, which might be easier to explore. Environments like sex clubs can provide an ideal setting to observe this behavior, while respecting boundaries.
Ultimately, every individual has their unique sexual identity, and there’s a lot of common ground to relate to. You set the pace and can choose your path as you figure it out. Maintaining open communication will likely lead to positive experiences.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
For much of my life, I identified as a lesbian with little interest in men. Recently, I’ve had casual encounters with men—though I still don’t feel attracted to male bodies, the sexual experiences are surprisingly fulfilling. I still prefer women overall, but I’m puzzled about these developments. What’s going on here?
