Yaku before the real danger
Today, it feels like everything is about New York.
Prices are going up, and management seems to be in decline. It’s a bit like being born vulnerable—naked and needing care, then just sliding down from there. I heard about a stripper who woke up after a long night, fully clothed, and she exclaimed, “I’m being clothed!” And yeah, I learned that you probably shouldn’t slap someone in the face while they’re chewing tobacco. Just, like, a thought.
There’s a whole trade going on in the streets, and guys tend to get a little relaxed, especially on days that start with T: Today, Thursday, Tomorrow, Thanksgiving, Saturday, and Sunday. Meanwhile, New York City’s Sanitation Department is giving politicians a chance to tidy up before November. Some candidates are even posting bail for free.
Every elderly gentleman in New York seems to be out there playing golf, chasing a little ball that doesn’t really want to be chased anymore. Meanwhile, isn’t it strange? Computers are getting so human-like that a CEO ended up in jail because his laptop was deemed evidence. If you mess up with technology, you might as well brace yourself to be called an idiot. Funny how machines can malfunction too, huh?
You could think of a communist as a person who has nothing and wants to share that with the world, or maybe someone who borrows a pot to cook a goose. Then there’s the dental patient who, at least humorously, points out, “I have no cavities, but my gums—yikes!” In a humorous twist, if someone in Hell were asked whether they’d pick capitalism or communism, they might just choose capitalism, reasoning that at least the heating would work.
free advice
Just a tip: never buy an evening gown from a vending machine or a loan company that warns, “Don’t borrow from friends. Borrow from us, you’ll lose your friends but not us.” Or from a job agency that says, “Girls need jobs, and we’re willing to suffer through it.” Just a thought.
Thanks, America!
It’s funny, really. Drive last year’s car, wear this year’s fashion, and rely on next year’s income. And heads up: if your first husband suddenly wants to remarry, he might just be eyeing the money you made together. Just another quirk of this land of opportunity where anyone can still end up as a taxpayer.
Being bald? Surprisingly nice. Reminds me of that guy I shot into the pocket this afternoon. Employers oftentimes prefer to hire married men over singles. Why? “They don’t get as upset when you raise your voice.” He claims he isn’t bald, but that patch he’s got is pretty noticeable.
Oh, and there was this guy—a suspicious one—who approached a well-dressed man on Park Avenue, asking for $25 because he had nowhere to sleep. The well-dressed man was cautious, “How do I know you won’t spend it on drugs?” The guy replied, “Absolutely not. I already have that covered.”
Thanks to all of you
And let’s not forget the memorable words of one of our former mayors who once demanded $125 for a cup of coffee. The mayor exclaimed, “$125?!” And the tramp replied, “You can’t walk into a nice restaurant looking like this!”
So, thank you for voting and for loving New York. Thanks for appreciating America. And always remember those famous words from a mayor whose name has slipped my mind: “A good reputation comes from giving publicly while stealing privately.”
The day after Election Day is always a happy day.
