With the NFL Draft set up on Thursday, it’s a great time to ask. What happens if you draft a politician on behalf of the player? Let’s go!
Welcome to the 2025 draft US politicians that Republicans and Democrats hope to rebuild for the season.
Some have called this the most biased deal since the Colts traded John Elway for a soccer bag and a guy called Bob.
Thank you to tonight’s sponsor, tunnel to the tower, balance of nature, and my pillow. Unlike Congress, it’s three great companies that offer results.
Republicans are on the clock
On the first overall pick, GOP chooses Donald J. Trump.
After a few seasons off the field and then leaving Twitter, Trump miraculously returns to the draft. His private doctor called him “the healthiest player in the history of modern sports.” No drug testing is required.
Trump listens to the audience before the snap, calls for a mid-huddle of a totally different play, and still remains the only player in the league to somehow score.
Financial benefits? Huge. If the team goes bankrupt, Trump will just buy it. He also promised to play for free, but some say the minibar in the locker room might be a hit.
Critics say he’s not coachable. Trump disagrees: “I know the playbook better than the coaches. Frankly, I wrote the playbook. morning Playbook. ”
He guarantees four consecutive championships. Plus, if the league allows him a fourth contest, it guarantees a fifth championship.
Democrats are standing up next
With pick number 2, they choose Gavin Newsom.
He sees that part. Photogenic, polished, press conference response – even if his team loses 40 people, he will convince fans that his scoreboard is being hacked.
Newsom’s draft stock rose after he pledged to donate his signature bonus so that fans could get free concessions and merchandise. However, analysts warn him that he is a high-risk pick. A slow game drive? He panics. Crisis management? He disappears. What is his request for grass? “I just play with artificial grass – I don’t like getting dirty.”
Originally drafted as a quarterback, Newsom is struggling. Scouts note that he throws everything to the far left. If he can’t adjust, the team switches him to a punter, where he is already excellent at kicking responsibility.
Mid-draft sentimental pic
At Pick 199, GOP chooses JD Vance and expects a Tom Brady style miracle.
Vance will be in the league late. He didn’t start playing until recently. But he brings grit, lunch buckets and dramatic pivots to the card playbook, which demonstrates elite flexibility. He once worked on Trump with a print – now he’s blocking for him on Primetime. And he didn’t even pull the hamstring during the flip.
Republicans say he will back up Trump for four years, unless he is first traded with Fox News.
Now for the big hit trade
In a shocking move, the GOP trades the distracted Mitt Romney and Liz Cheney from the aged locker room with Democrats in exchange for Ayron Musk and Tarsi Gabbard. Some have called it the most biased deal since the Colts traded John Elway for a soccer bag and a guy called Bob.
As a bonus, Democrats will put in the rights of RFK Jr.’s free agent, but the insiders suspect it’s like a dump of responsibility.
Final Pick: None
In the final choice, the Democrats took Tim Waltz with them – the assistant high school football coach became a political long shot. Waltz hyped himself as the toughest man in the draft, but fell violently after investigators revealed he exaggerated college statistics and padded the practice officers.
He claims he’s ready to lead, but even his voice thinks he’s more of a clipboard than a quarterback.
However, one name Not once It will be called.
Pete Battigigue, who had hoped the junior varsity experience would carry him through the draft, saw the board incredible. His old coach said, “Pete took off half of the season. No one noticed.”
After all, “transport” is not a position.
