Understanding IVF Conversations

In the UK, around 1 in 7 couples may face challenges in getting pregnant, leading many to seek fertility treatments. Since 1991, there have been over 1.3 million IVF cycles performed in the UK. I was 32 when I first underwent treatment and, at the time, I didn’t know anyone who had been through it. Now, after six years, I’ve made quite a few friends who are also navigating IVF—more than I ever imagined. It’s common enough now that if you know people in their 30s and 40s, chances are, someone has experienced it.

When it comes to discussing IVF, the right words can feel elusive. Sharing this journey can evoke excitement, yet also heartbreak. I’ve had friends sometimes say just the wrong thing, which is, well, frustrating—perhaps they didn’t mean it, but it still stings.

Going through this myself, I’ve stayed away from conversations where I felt my friends regretted their word choices. I genuinely believe that being open is key. If you say something you might regret, it’s better to be upfront about it later. Self-reflection shows you care about how your words are received, and that goes a long way. My advice would include avoiding certain phrases:

What Not to Say

Oh, are you drinking?

This question seems innocent enough but often comes with judgment. Many people avoid alcohol during fertility treatments, and this question can inadvertently feel like an intrusion.

Children are overrated anyway.

This comment should come only from a close friend living that carefree childless life. If you’re a parent posting joyful photos online, it might not hit the right note.

Have you thought about adoption?

While adoption is a beautiful choice, it’s an entirely different journey. When my second IVF cycle failed, I would scroll through adoption stories, often finding comfort in them. However, if someone suggested I should just adopt, I’d feel as though they dismissed my struggle. Most who are pursuing IVF probably don’t want to hear that right now; it feels invalidating.

So, are you the problem?

Believe it or not, some people will bluntly ask this question.

How exciting!

While it’s natural for a friend to feel anticipation about pregnancy, they might be tempering their excitement with caution. Statistically, only 31% of embryo transfers are successful, which is quite sobering. I’ve felt torn between trying to encourage pregnant friends while guarding my own heart.

Have you heard of couples who had IVF eight times?

This is perhaps the least helpful comment ever. Many have their struggles that can’t be alleviated by simply suggesting a vacation or implying that relaxation could solve everything.

Did you find donors online? Like shopping?

Some IVF patients use donors, and there are certain (perhaps too) personal questions often asked. I consulted a couple of friends exploring IVF to see if they felt similarly—like, it’s exciting, yet the invasive curiosity about donors can feel overwhelming. Questions about looks and ethnicity of donors, or whose biological material is being used, are not appropriate for casual conversations.

What To Say

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

This is appropriate, though tread lightly; avoid crossing into overly dramatic sympathy. Outward sighs or exclamations can sometimes come off as dismissive.

If you need anything, I’m here for you.

Offering to help—whether by sharing space or just making yourself available—can mean a lot. Remind your friends that you’re there for them, perhaps more than they realize.

I don’t know much about the process.

If someone is sharing that they’re starting IVF, it’s probably not the time for a medical lecture. However, many appreciated when I let them know I didn’t mind their lack of detailed knowledge about it.

It’s expensive.

IVF costs vary widely; recent stats show only about 24% of cycles in the UK were funded by the NHS. Many people scramble to finance this costly process, which can add immense stress to their lives. Even small gestures of kindness are appreciated in difficult times.

There’s nothing more powerful than care from a distance.

Friends sometimes leave thoughtful notes or gifts to let you know they’re thinking of you. A simple card or some flowers can make a world of difference—even when it’s done from afar.

If you want to talk, I know someone else who’s going through this.

Connecting people who share similar experiences can be comforting. It’s helpful to have someone who knows the ins and outs and can relate. For example, my step-sister and I often exchanged messages while navigating our respective IVF paths, sharing little victories and advice. Knowing I wasn’t alone meant a lot during tough moments.