Throughout history, bad advice has always been plentiful. However, our ancestors faced limitations in the number of advice sources they had access to.
Today, those limitations are virtually non-existent.
When Jesus mentioned lust as a genuine violation of the heart, He wasn’t creating a new, more lenient reason for divorce in biblical terms.
Every minute, the internet, similar to a firehose, floods us with bad advice — especially on social media, where it often feels overwhelming.
I’ve been examining online groups for Christian women and the problematic theology they tend to promote. Honestly, these groups can be quite concerning. Anyone identifying as Christian can join, and many participants appear to see these groups as a reasonable alternative to church.
However, a lack of sound doctrine mixed with a plethora of opinions lacking scriptural support and no personal relationships creates a pretty dismal “church.”
Just picture it: an entire cohort of young women, many with little understanding of the Scriptures, sharing their stories anonymously. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s almost as if God foresaw this issue, providing us with Scriptures and guidance on how to learn it together with fellow believers.
But I digress.
The issue with ‘Christian’ social media groups
These groups are proliferating and becoming increasingly risky due to the growing amount of faulty teaching being circulated. Not too long ago, I wrote about individuals who believe they don’t need a church. They’re mistaken. Christians are called to love and support one another, which is pretty difficult to achieve from the comfort of your sofa.
Perhaps one of the most common pieces of misguided advice shared in these so-called Christian groups sounds something like this:
You need to go, girl.
This tends to be the go-to response when someone voices frustrations about their husband. Of course, due to the anonymous nature of these stories, we can’t always determine if these accounts are genuine experiences of abuse or simply creative narratives aimed at garnering attention (which, yes, happens). In cases like these, sharing such stories in a group is often a futile use of time.
When a woman, for example, mentions that her husband has given her an STD or has physically harmed her, responses of “you need to go” quickly follow. Still, I can’t help but wonder if a bunch of strangers has ever successfully persuaded someone to make a significant life choice. Relying on a random assortment of people online shouldn’t be your go-to for that kind of guidance.
Common ‘grounds’
More often, I notice women discussing husbands who are emotionally distant, spend excessive hours at work, or have some negative habits, ranging from serious issues like pornography to less critical ones like engrossing themselves in video games.
Yet, in nearly every case, someone interprets the situation as a reason to advise “you need to go,” arguing that if he’s working too much, he’s neglecting you and the marriage — that gives you a biblical right to divorce. If he’s not meeting your emotional needs, he isn’t fulfilling his marriage vows — another reason to divorce.
Unfortunately, you can twist nearly any situation into a justification for divorce if you look at it through that lens, which probably isn’t the best perspective.
Indeed, there are recognized biblical reasons for divorce, though these are quite limited. And certain situations (like when someone’s safety is at risk) may warrant separation, regardless of whether divorce is intended.
The issue with turning everything into “grounds for divorce” should be glaringly obvious. For one, the opinions given usually only come from one side of the narrative, and often anonymously. While it may generate lots of engagement in Facebook groups, it can be detrimental to the well-being of the individuals involved.
Let’s be clear: God does not support divorce. Though He allows it in very specific circumstances due to people’s hard hearts (and to protect women), His stance remains that He despises divorce, and it is never mandatory.
There are numerous healthier alternatives, particularly when children are affected. Options include:
- Devout prayer (and enlisting trusted friends to pray alongside you);
- Seeking counsel from a biblically grounded pastor;
- Participating in marriage enrichment programs/books;
- Taking some time apart;
- In cases of danger or abuse, formal separation; and
- For issues like infidelity or abandonment, divorce is permitted but not mandatory, particularly if true repentance is shown, along with a willingness to work towards reconciliation and rebuilding trust.
Now, consider the young woman who turns to such a group and receives a slew of messages instructing her to leave. That her feelings are more important than any other factors. That her husband’s behavior is abusive (it even seems to have broadened to include offenses like leaving socks on the floor, which supposedly disrespects her efforts at home).
If dozens or even hundreds of people insist that she’s being mistreated, she’s likely to start believing it. She will likely lean hard in that direction, unfortunately moving toward a view that God does not support.
The issue with pornography
One of the most common lamentations is about husbands who use pornography. This is undeniably toxic for a marriage and undermines its sanctity. Many people argue that porn itself constitutes grounds for divorce because Jesus stated that even looking at someone with lust equates to committing adultery.
I spoke to a pastor friend who graciously provided context for this scripture so we could consider the full counsel of God on the subject. For anyone contemplating divorce based on this issue, his insights are definitely worth pondering:
First, in Matthew 5, Jesus positions Himself as central to history; He is the fulfillment of the law and the prophets — and illustrates how the Old Testament is validated through His teachings (5:17-18).
But there’s a catch: Jesus is aware that much of what the crowd has learned about the Old Testament is not actually scriptural; the Pharisees treated various oral traditions as equivalent to Scripture itself.
That’s why Jesus prefaces each of His next five teachings with “You have heard it said (whatever the Pharisees claimed) … but I say to you (Jesus’ accurate teaching).”
In each teaching, He aims to correct misunderstandings around the Old Testament while guiding toward the law’s true intention.
In 5:27-28, He asserts, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery in his heart.” Apparently, some thought as long as they didn’t actually engage in sexual relations with someone, they were in the clear.
However, Jesus sought more than mere compliance with the law’s letter. He aimed to reveal purity’s heart that the law was intended to maintain. He connects the seventh commandment to the desire to covet someone else’s spouse; indeed, the Greek word often translated as “lust” (epithymeō) is the same word for “covet.”
It’s important to clarify that this does not suggest that merely noticing someone’s attractiveness or feeling attraction is wrong. Coveting someone involves a deep-seated desire to take what’s not yours.
Some today interpret this passage to assert that viewing porn constitutes grounds for divorce, which makes sense given the serious nature of lust and the genuine hurt and consequences it brings. Yet, the distinction Jesus makes is crucial: The sin occurs “in the heart.” Committing sin in your heart is not on par with committing the act itself.
In the preceding lesson, Jesus approached murder and anger similarly: “But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother will be subject to judgment” (5:22). Clearly, feeling anger toward someone is different from actually killing them, and the consequences differ significantly. If we follow the same reasoning used by some claiming that lust automatically grants grounds for divorce, then anyone who has ever felt anger should be incarcerated.
None of this excuses porn use or lust. But it isn’t equivalent to engaging in sexual acts with someone else.
Think about it: if Jesus truly meant that “adultery in the heart” provided biblical grounds for divorce, nearly every marriage would have justifiable grounds for divorce — unless a couple somehow spent their entire lives together without ever experiencing lust for another person.
Moreover, that interpretation trivializes marriage, which is contrary to what Jesus intended. He aimed to elevate the sanctity of marriage, not diminish it. He sought to protect its integrity because, during that time, mainstream Judaism adopted a very lenient standard that permitted men to divorce their wives for almost any reason, even trivial things like overcooking a meal or if a man found another woman more attractive.
Therefore, when Jesus identified lust as a true, heart-level violation, he wasn’t offering a new, laxer interpretation for “biblical grounds for divorce” that merely aligned with the prevailing cultural attitudes. Rather, He confronted the casual approach to marriage prevalent at the time with the Kingdom of Heaven’s standards and values.
However, situations involving unrepentant, habitual lust can complicate matters, something Jesus addresses in Matthew 19:9. But to stay faithful to the text, it’s important to differentiate: a repentant heart striving to combat lust does not constitute grounds for divorce.
Jesus never demanded perfection from married couples. Instead, He called for a persistent effort: a continual striving for purity that protects the marriage instead of using it as an excuse to abandon it.
What should a woman do?
In light of a woman whose husband struggles with pornography, what advice should she follow?
It is vital not to tackle this issue in isolation. Involvement from your church community is paramount. Seeking guidance from your elders and pastors can provide clarity on biblical principles.
If church isn’t a part of your life right now, this might be the perfect time to locate a strong, Bible-focused congregation. There are many resources, programs, and books available to assist (here’s one).
In cases of ongoing, unrepentant lust — where the husband continually makes excuses for using pornography or lies about it — that clearly constitutes sexual immorality, which does provide grounds for divorce. It doesn’t mean the wife must choose divorce, but she is biblically justified to do so.
Conversely, if a husband expresses remorse and takes steps to combat the issue, striving to maintain the purity of both himself and their marriage union, it wouldn’t be fair to abandon a man willing to fight for their marriage and uphold his vows.
This response aligns with biblical teachings, but it’s important to acknowledge that it won’t be straightforward. Trust has been compromised, and the journey to rebuilding can be challenging and painful. This is where church leaders and pastoral support can play crucial roles for couples facing difficulties.
Don’t forget: God is a God of reconciliation and healing, not only disapproving of divorce but also desiring that every marriage mirrors His love for us, His church — love that will never falter.
Of course, achieving this perfect standard may be unattainable for any couple, but striving for it is essential for all of us.
So, I would say to you, girl, no, you don’t have to run. Don’t let anyone force that idea on you, but instead understand what the Bible instructs regarding marriage, holding your husband responsible for meeting that standard — all while keeping yourself accountable too.
