Understanding Divorce: Insights from John Naharinger

For the past two decades, attorney John Naharinger has represented over 2,000 people in divorce cases.

Naharinger considers himself a “men’s divorce strategist,” encouraging men considering divorce to view it not as a defeat but as a brave act of self-care. In 2020, he launched a podcast and plans to release a book on the subject, both titled “Divorce Without Failure.” His podcast features discussions with relationship experts and men navigating the complexities of divorce.

Through his experience, he has supported men facing numerous relationship challenges, such as the difficult situation of staying in a marriage for the children’s sake.

He firmly believes that “staying married for the sake of children is the worst reason to remain in a marriage.” Naharinger emphasizes the importance of demonstrating a healthy relationship to children rather than remaining in a toxic environment that ultimately harms them.

There have been instances where he helped men, even those reluctant to leave their wives, realize that it was time to move on. He recalls one case involving a man entangled in illegal activities, emphasizing the necessity of self-respect and facing reality about the marriage.

One of his current clients felt trapped in a “roommate” situation with his wife for six years before falling for someone overseas. After his wife discovered this and filed for divorce, Naharinger expressed support for his client following his heart. “Good for him!” he said.

Interestingly, while he advises others on divorce, Naharinger found himself in a 15-year marriage that had lost its spark. He noted, somewhat ironically, that he was not taking his own advice and living a life of unhappiness.

It wasn’t until 2021 that he finally admitted he wanted a divorce. Many individuals often delay such decisions, grappling with various emotional and social factors.

“Gray Divorce” on the Rise

Although divorce has become less taboo in the U.S., with rates dropping significantly since the 1980s, there is a notable increase in “gray divorces,” particularly among middle-aged women ending long-term marriages.

Relationship coach Dr. Jackie Del Rosario attributes this rise to the dynamic nature of relationships, suggesting that as people evolve, they must renegotiate their partnerships. Failure to do so can lead to a disconnect that becomes hard to bridge.

Personal Experiences of Loneliness

For example, Jason Steer, a 49-year-old IT professional, recently ended a 20-year marriage. He recalls that after initially being happy, a turn in their relationship occurred when his ex-wife pursued a career that kept her away from home frequently. This shift made them feel more like roommates than partners.

The couple attempted to have children without success, and the emotional distance only widened. Steer reflects on feeling isolated, noting they spent four years without physical intimacy. His wife’s departure to cope with his depression led to her eventual return, aiming to rekindle their relationship. Ultimately, it didn’t work out, and they finalized their divorce earlier this year.

Is Divorce Always a Bad Choice?

Divorce is often viewed negatively, but it can also represent a fresh start. Relationship expert Ralph Brewer suggests that many men avoid divorce due to fears regarding their children, finances, and loneliness.

These fears can prevent men from recognizing the potential positives that may come from a divorce, such as personal growth and healthier relationships.

Life After Divorce

Take Paul Aaron Travis, who was taken by surprise when his wife wanted a divorce after nearly 20 years of marriage. He felt tremendous pressure to maintain a happy marriage as a counter to the many divorces he had witnessed in his family.

Over time, he understood that maintaining a relationship shouldn’t come at all costs and shifted his focus toward healthier living. His divorce led him to a career as a sex therapist and he now enjoys a peaceful relationship with his ex-wife and their children.

A New Beginning

John Naharinger echoes similar sentiments regarding his post-divorce life. Reflecting on his marriage, he admitted he was living as a hypocrite for not following his own advice. After finally deciding to part ways with his ex-husband, he quickly found happiness in a new relationship.

Today, Naharinger’s life has improved significantly, with his daughter embracing her new family dynamics. He emphasizes the importance of navigating co-parenting in a healthy manner, despite any conflicts with his ex.