Dear Abby: I’m a widow. I have a friend I’ll call “Greta” who I’ve known since high school. I was very shy back then. She was more sociable, but our group of friends was small. Over the years, I have become more outgoing, but Greta seems to be becoming more socially withdrawn.
She often only says she’ll go when I’m going to an event, but when I go and pay my share, she usually declines. The problem is, Greta chooses events that I won’t attend, or that none of my friends are attending, so if I don’t go alone, I’m out of money.
I will be retiring soon, so my income will decrease. I would also like to expand my circle of friends in order to be more active. Greta wants to be invited and gets upset when I don’t invite her along. But she sees no problem with her regular absences.
This is putting a strain on our relationship and the new friendships I have made. I feel guilty about moving forward socially, but I’m worried that if I try to accommodate her needs, I’ll become isolated. How can I maintain a friendship with her while still meeting my own needs? — Navigating Friendships
Dear Navigators: You may not be able to do both. Have you pointed out to Greta that what she’s doing is unfair, not to mention costly? If she hasn’t already, do it now. If you told her and she ignored you, remind her. If this happens, make it clear that her behavior is disrespectful and that if it happens again, you won’t buy tickets to her event again. Then take a step back and see her less often, and only one-on-one.
Dear Abby: My adult son had a nervous breakdown several years ago. Since then he has been blaming me for all of his problems. Being a good mother has always been important to me and I have always tried to do so. He now claims that I was “emotionally abusive.” (I have never tried to be abusive.) He has been tormenting me through hell for the past few years with horrible accusations. I don’t know where he came from.
Abhi, he says everything bad in life is my fault. He is upset and cries all the time. He used to be kind and we were very close. Now he says he doesn’t want to see me unless he does. I Get some therapy!
Everyone who knows me knows that I would never hurt my son. It seems like he’s going out of his way to hurt me. I think he should take responsibility for his life and stop using me as a whipping post. am i wrong? What should I do? — Injured mother in Wisconsin
To mom: I think you should agree to therapy, but I think it should be family therapy with a licensed mental health professional. Your son may (or may not) have a legitimate complaint, but it would be better to have it heard by an impartial arbitrator.
I can’t guarantee that this will solve all the issues you have with your troubled son, but it will give you an opportunity to hear each other’s side. If the relationship doesn’t improve after that, do what you need to do to protect your own mental health and stop communicating with him.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Dear Abby, contact: www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
