aAfter years of raising a family together in the trenches, a couple whose children emerge from the hut face a very different future. As with all major life transitions, it can be a difficult time, especially when it comes to relationships. It even has its own syndrome. Complex loss and pride is not a clinical diagnosis, but the impact of changes in family relationships can be significant.
According to our readers, the success or failure of relationships has a lot to do with self-awareness, preparation, and, like most things about love, communication.
While some readers felt that romance had been rekindled, many felt that without distractions, the differences and difficulties in family life were amplified and sometimes became insurmountable.
The greatest success has been experienced by those who have hopes and goals and a little money who are ready to embark on the next stage of life.
“I accepted that half of the problem was my fault.”
A week after my youngest daughter started college, my wife announced that she was retiring and would not be coming back. I was 52 years old. That was over 20 years ago. I haven’t had an intimate relationship since her wife left and I’m not looking for one.
There was no formal recognition of separation until about 8 years ago, when my ex-wife proposed divorce, so we filed jointly for her to file for divorce. If it wasn’t for financial issues or the need to take care of children, it should have been a rubber stamp. I asked her what happened but she didn’t answer my emails. Maybe you’re still married, maybe you’re not.
It took me a few weeks to recover from the shock of my wife leaving, but then I realized that my life had actually become simpler and much easier. I accepted that maybe half of the problem in our relationship was me and that I wasn’t providing the emotional environment she needed.
She has a good relationship with her daughters, has cared for her grandchildren since before they could walk, and regularly comes to stay with her.
Paul, Far North, Queensland, Australia, empty nest for 21 years
“We started playing golf and spending a lot of time with friends.”
Our children were gone by 1990. At that time, it was common for children to leave home as soon as they graduated from high school, and they couldn’t wait.
I knew the next phase of my life was coming and I was proactive about making changes so I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my days in a big house rattling around.
We were also lucky because we had a villa. As the kids became teenagers, they wanted to stay in the city with friends, so weekends without friends allowed them to warm up for a few years. We started playing golf and spending a lot of time with friends.
I was a military kid, so I grew up knowing how to move forward. Her husband and I had a frank discussion about what we wanted. Although her husband didn’t feel the need to change as quickly as I did, I felt strongly that it was time for a fresh start. We sold our parents’ house and built our own, and I think it was a really good idea.
After our sons left home, we continued working for about 10 years before retiring and taking on volunteer roles as board members. We were busy, but not at work per se. And I was lucky enough to have money, so I was able to travel a lot even into my 70s.
This sounds as if there is nothing wrong with it, which of course is not the case. Getting married in your 50s (or in your 80s) isn’t the same as it was in your 20s, but if you can get through the pressures of family life together, you can probably get through anything as long as you stand up to the status quo. Come and face it, make good choices and plan ahead.
Jennifer, Melbourne, Australia, empty nest for 33 years
“I quit without hesitation.”
When my wife and I were alone at home, all the problems in our long-stagnant marriage worsened. The coldness, the lack of intimacy, the loneliness – it was depressing beyond imagination.
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When my college sweetheart and friend contacted me after her divorce, it felt like coming home. I fell in love with her again.
We met in 1974 and although we weren’t a special couple when we were young, we had a special attraction and a deep friendship. Our one attempt at romance in 1983 didn’t work out. We were in different places in our lives at the time and have since married other people. But when we met again, it felt very natural.
We reported on our current situation several times a year. Passionate vacation stay at her house. In the end she said she wanted her whole deal and I had to choose. Without hesitation, I left home and moved into her house. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. Trust your emotions and don’t try to smooth things over at the expense of knowing yourself. Be bold if you need to make a change.
Anonymous, USA – Empty nest for 8 years
“We enjoyed casual dating after a long monogamous marriage.”
My wife and I separated about 11 years ago, shortly after the last of our three children left home. We were separated for 6 months about 10 years ago when they were still in school, but decided to get back together to avoid hurting our family.
After a long monogamous marriage, I enjoyed casually meeting different women, mostly through online dating. I’m still good friends with some of the women I dated. Some of the women I met enjoyed not having children at home and felt that dating gave them more freedom to go out and invite men over.
Anonymous, Australia, empty nest for 11 years
“We rediscovered why we are together.”
I married my best friend from high school. We met at the age of 16. In 2013, one of my children left home. Five years later, we built an apartment in the basement of our house and my son moved into it.
We are better friends now and have rediscovered why we were together when we were still teenagers. It was a very easy adjustment, but now we are grandparenting in a big way.
It’s really important to sit down and talk. I had an affair in my 40s, but my partner forgave me. It took a lot of backgammon, a lot of wine, and a lot of time to rebuild trust. But we really loved each other and wanted it to work out.
Anonymous, Australia, empty nest for 6 years
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