I started working in Congress just before President Donald Trump's first term. As a Democrat, I feel a terrible sense of deja vu this January. But as the new year begins, I am determined to fight back in an unconventional way: to make friends with my “enemies.”
Even though it's only been 8 years, it feels like decades have passed. Like millions of other Americans, I lost family In the midst of a pandemic. I was one of them. Two historic initiatives To impeach Trump. There was an act of violence attack on the capitol. For Capitol Hill aides, it was traumatic. My boss armed himself with a flagpole. One friend texted her parents about her outfit in case they needed to identify her.
When I started my career, being “bipartisan” was an attribute. I began the interview by talking about growing up with two mothers while serving as a mediator with my Republican relatives in California. But America has changed. Resistance during President Trump's first term meant fighting the people who are wrong, so we unfriended our crazy uncles online. Those who disagree with our point of view have provoked, angered, and exhausted us. As a result, we have isolated ourselves. People with different worldviews challenged our identities. they became enemies.
My progressive friends often ask, “How can anyone vote for that person?” Of course I'm referring to Trump. The problem is that it's usually a statement rather than a question. If you understand the answer, you may never find yourself in this situation again. If you don't understand it, you will lose again and again.
I spent the week leading up to the election in Pennsylvania, talking to people who typically vote Democratic. I was surprised by their perspective.
A middle-aged white man who calls himself a Trump supporter held back his aggressive dog so I could talk to my father. At age 80 and concerned about the border, he “was going to give Harris a try.”
One grandmother didn't care about President Trump, but she was upset that her grocery bill had increased significantly.
A disabled Puerto Rican bowhunter told me: “Trump called us trash. Our parents would turn over in their graves!” Still, he couldn't make up his mind. “Everyone cares about the upper and middle classes, but no one… cares about us,” he said, at a loss for words. “I'll toss a coin.”
After the election, author Sarah Smash properly said,”[People say] Democrats have better policies. …Meanwhile, Republicans are justifying their pain. ”
Understanding how Trump won the election is an emotional exercise, not an intellectual one. In many ways, it's less about problems and more about connections. In my most successful conversations with voters, I didn't advocate. I just asked.
Jonathan Haidt explains in his book: “Heart of justice” Our decisions are driven by emotion and intuition, while rational thinking primarily provides post-hoc rationalization. Research shows that the more intelligent we are, the harder it is for us to try to justify existing biases, regardless of the truth.
Before we judge all the people who voted for Trump as stupid or wrong, we should first try to understand them. This starts with practice. We have to learn how to be around people who disagree with our opinions.
As a Congressional staffer, I earned a master's degree at the Army War College, where my classmates were conservative white men twice my age. Some people even went out of their way to tell me I didn’t belong. Some told me to bring coffee. Instead of distancing myself, I became friends with them. We found common ground, from shared tastes in music to a dormant desire to learn golf. It wasn't necessarily fun, but it was rewarding.
My New Year's resolution, and my challenge to you, is to be friends with people you deeply disagree with. There is no need to discuss controversial issues. Avoid disagreements at first. Find an area that aligns with you, like parenting or a love of reality TV. Build friendships and build from there. Introduce controversial topics slowly, but stick to the basics. Don't correct everything they say. Forgive them for being wrong and admit your own ignorance. Be vulnerable and feel uncomfortable. Above all, try to be empathetic.
The next four years will be a test for America. Humanizing those who disagree with us is the only way to take America back. This is not a naive move. Building genuine relationships is the best way to influence votes and ensure the success of progressive policies. It's a strategic move.
Victory is not about changing policy. It's about learning how to connect better. The very act of having a relationship is an act of resistance against a regime that seeks to divide us.
Mariah Carey worked for more than seven years as a legislative assistant in the House of Representatives, the U.S. Senate, and the United Nations in Washington, DC. She holds a master's degree in strategic studies with honors from the Army War College. She has been featured in Huffington Post.
