Every week, a new letter is discussed by Prudie and a colleague, focusing on personal dilemmas. This time, the letter writer has shared a difficult situation.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve made a tough choice for my baby that I don’t need advice on, but I could use some thoughts on how to share this with others. I found out I was pregnant unexpectedly. My husband, who didn’t react positively, later revealed that he was in love with someone else and didn’t want to be a father. This news, coupled with a health scare, left me devastated, and we’re now heading toward divorce. While I’m sorting through the legal stuff, I’m planning an open adoption for my daughter. I realize this might come off as cold, but I feel it’s the best decision for her future.
Most of my close family and friends are trying to be supportive, even though there’s a lot of judging happening. My pregnancy is obvious, and I originally planned for maternity leave, but many acquaintances and neighbors still believe I’ll be bringing the baby home. A lot of them are unaware of the divorce, too. How should I approach conversations about my pregnancy or future plans when people ask? I just wish I could avoid the awkwardness altogether, but it might be impossible. Eventually, I’ll go from visibly pregnant to having no baby, and that transition seems tough. I don’t want to get into the details with people I’m not connected to. How can I navigate this to minimize uncomfortable conversations?
—Birth Mom
Jenée Desmond-Harris: This is incredibly challenging. The situation and the request for guidance are weighty.
Lizzie O’Leary: My heart aches for this woman. She’s facing so much. Before worrying about how to communicate her situation, I hope she’s seeking professional support. The emotional toll of this process is significant, and having support is essential. Moreover, our society really needs to learn to be more considerate! Strangers shouldn’t pry into personal matters. It’s understandable why they do; babies and pets are discussion starters, but still—ugh.
Jenée: Absolutely! I’m glad you mentioned therapy. I noticed the letter writer judging herself with thoughts like “If I were braver…” and “This seems cold.” But, honestly, she’s shown considerable bravery, and her decision is far from cold. She’s facing enough stress with the divorce and the physical demands of pregnancy without adding self-criticism to the mix. I hope she can reach a point of acceptance about her choice before worrying about others’ reactions.
Lizzie: Yes! LW, be kinder to yourself. You show tremendous courage. Consider preparing a script for casual interactions—something simple for acquaintances that conveys honesty without inviting probing. Perhaps saying, “I’ve chosen to place her with a loving family. I’d rather not discuss it further, I hope you understand.” What do you think?
Jenée: I think that’s a solid approach! For those random encounters, she might add context like, “I’m in a complicated situation, and I’ve opted for an open adoption. I’d prefer not to delve deeper, and I appreciate your understanding.” Thoughts?
Lizzie: That’s excellent! A little gentler than I might have been. I also believe that allowing a few close friends to inform others can ease the pressure on her. They can help set the scene that this is a delicate matter and hopefully encourage people to be more respectful. It won’t cover everyone, but it can lighten her load.
Jenée: Yes, exactly! Perhaps appointing someone in her circle to disseminate information could work well. A supportive friend could take on that role, sharing the news and advising others on how to approach her. This way, she’d only face the few who don’t pick up on it.
That said, it’s unlikely this will be a straightforward experience. Pregnancy often leads to unsolicited opinions from various sources. Even in normal circumstances, people might throw advice around, and it’s likely to get even more challenging when her situation is sensitive.
Lizzie: Absolutely! She could also plan something enjoyable for after the birth and the adoption process—perhaps a day to recharge, whether it’s a day with a friend or some self-care. You once told me about advocating for personal needs, which I found powerful. It’s vital to express what you need to help loved ones support you accurately.
Jenée: Definitely! It’s usually simpler to ask for help in clear-cut situations, like illness, than it is with complicated personal choices. Still, many people would gladly support her and help affirm that she has nothing to be ashamed of.
Lizzie: Absolutely.
