According to a report in The Cut, there’s a noticeable trend among married women who are hesitant to leave their dysfunctional marriages. Instead, they seem to be erecting emotional barriers and harboring resentment in their homes.
This phenomenon has been referred to as “divorce in silence.” The piece also shares the author’s personal experience of witnessing his parents struggle in a lackluster marriage, which feels rather bleak. Some women interviewed indicated they had made peace with the idea of ending their marriages, but it was often their husbands who initiated the divorce.
One woman, who wishes to remain anonymous and goes by Tanya, revealed that poor communication played a crucial role in their decision to quietly separate after two decades of marriage. “We would argue about the imbalance in our relationship, and nothing ever got resolved. Once the kids reached their teenage years and became more independent, I felt this intense yearning,” Tanya shared. She mentioned trying couples counseling, but her husband viewed her attempts as expectations that were too demanding.
“That’s why I stepped back,” she explained. “At night, after the kids were in bed, I would sneak into the closet and play the accordion for hours.”
I had initially anticipated that the author would suggest a clear-cut way out for these women. It seemed like the obvious choice—why stay in a joyless marriage? Yet, I found myself surprised by her perspective. Rather than advocating for escape, she opted for a different approach, diverging from her mother’s choices.
The author’s mother had such contempt for her husband that it appeared she spent much of their marriage pretending he wasn’t there. He remained unaware of her resentment. Eventually, they divorced. Many years later, when the author asked her mother what she could have done differently, her mother reflected that the fault lay in a lack of communication.
“Both partners need to talk more,” the author’s mother expressed. “I regret not doing that with your father. We never truly shared our feelings.”
A successful marriage demands ongoing dialogue, which doesn’t always need to be verbal. Repairing a fractured bond between partners is possible, but resentment and distance can create a nearly insurmountable barrier. Often, both parties become entrenched in their positions, reluctant to be the first to reach out and mend the discord.
The online conversation about fostering lasting marriages seems to be growing. It’s evident that consistent communication is essential for building a solid foundation, but it also takes persistent effort. Personally, I think the mindset with which you approach marriage matters just as much.
From the start, my husband and I agreed to tackle our marriage as a team. “It’s us against the world,” he would say during our disagreements. It may sound simplistic, but there’s wisdom in it. Couples face various challenges and outside pressures; if you don’t unite, you risk ending up like these women—isolated and yearning for a different existence.
Divorce shouldn’t feel like the only option. It’s not that all marriages discussed in the article were riddled with abuse, which is a separate conversation entirely. Although they each had unique circumstances and reasons for choosing a silent divorce, they were permitting love to fade away.
