Advice Column: Relationships and Communication

How to Do It is an advice column focusing on sexual relationships.Do you have a question? Send it in anonymously!

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve been married to my second wife, “Jane,” for over ten years, and our bond is really strong. We share almost everything—except for our past relationships. We both agreed that knowing the details isn’t necessary.

Here’s my dilemma: I think there’s something from my first marriage that Jane might need to know. My first wife and I tried opening our marriage when we realized our sexual compatibility was way off. That attempt didn’t save our marriage, and honestly, it just fell apart. Jane and I have a solid understanding on monogamy; we’ve discussed alternative relationship styles but decided they’re not for us. Still, I feel a bit dishonest not mentioning this aspect of my previous marriage. Should I tell her?

—Once Open Now Very Closed

Dear Once Open,

When you and Jane talked about past relationships, did you also talk about the desire to avoid specific details? Has she indicated that she doesn’t want to know certain things? If that’s the case, it’s something to weigh heavily in your decision.

Another key point to consider is why you feel withholding this information is dishonest. Understanding your emotions may help clarify what you really want to share, letting you decide what’s important to disclose and what can be kept private. It may also influence your choice about whether to share at all, especially considering how Jane feels about this topic.

If you think Jane doesn’t care about past relationships, and you feel this detail is significant, then maybe it’s worth sharing. On the other hand, if she’s made it clear she wants to stay away from such topics, and her discomfort outweighs your need to disclose, then perhaps it’s better not to share. There’s a spectrum of possibilities here. Take your time, reflect on it, and I’m sure you’ll reach a decision that feels right for you.

Dear How to Do It,

After focusing on kids and work for years, my wife and I want to revitalize creativity in the bedroom. I’ve brought up cervical orgasms, and we suspect she might have had them in the past. We want to explore this further and have a few questions.

She doesn’t reach orgasm through penetration alone, so I stimulate her clitoris. Since she doesn’t self-explore or use toys, should we decrease clitoral stimulation to help her focus on deeper sensations? Should we aim for other types of orgasms first before going for cervical ones? What positions are best? Should I be thrusting, or is rocking better? Does her cycle impact this?

I’ve also heard that many women release emotions stored in the cervix during orgasms. Is there any truth to this? (She’s quite sensitive already, so I’m curious about the effects!)

—Curious in Des Moines

Dear Curious,

You’ve asked some excellent questions! Since experiences are so unique and personal, the two of you will need to discover what works best for you. I can only share some general insights.

Some women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm, while others find that a clitoral orgasm first can help them achieve deeper types. The concept of a “cervical orgasm” varies widely; it might involve direct pressure or focus on what’s known as the A-spot, where the cervix meets the vaginal wall. Different women will have varying preferences regarding stimulation, so be attentive and experiment with what works. The timing of her cycle may matter, though the specifics can be unpredictable since bodies differ so much.

Regarding the notion of emotional release during orgasm, it’s a possibility. There’s a significant body of work, like that of Bessel van der Kolk, suggesting we hold emotions in our bodies. Many approaches, from massage to different sexual practices, believe in this concept. Orgasm is a powerful experience and can trigger various emotional responses. While I would caution against overemphasizing emotional release, your curiosity is a great starting point. Use that to explore together, ensuring that the journey is enjoyable for both of you.

Dear How to Do It,

I haven’t been interested in sex for the last three months. During this time, my husband has spent almost all his free moments watching porn. He insists he can stop anytime. When I challenged him to take a weekend off from adult sites, he only lasted two hours. I’m increasingly worried about our sex life. Should I suggest he seek therapy?

—Worried Wife

Dear Worried Wife,

Your concerns about your husband’s habit and its potential impact on your intimacy are valid, though they might not guarantee a decline in your relationship. However, I’m more alarmed by the fact that he struggles to go just two hours without engaging with explicit content. I don’t view sex addiction as clearly defined like other addictions, based on the insights from respected sex therapists. Yet, destructive sexual behaviors caused by shame or other mental health issues do exist. It’s crucial that he consults a medical professional who can evaluate his situation accurately, especially if his behavior has recently changed.

It might help to transition from a casual challenge about abstaining from porn to a conversation about seeking professional help. This could underscore the seriousness of the situation and encourage him to take a more responsible approach. If he’s unable to manage his habit, that signals a bigger issue.

—Jessica