How to Do It Advice Column

How to Do It is a column dedicated to exploring sexual advice.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a woman in my early thirties. I’m not asexual, but I’m currently single and practicing celibacy.

Though I’ve never had sex, I might want to in the future, when I meet the right person. I’ve heard that women who have never had sex can experience some vaginal atrophy or other issues when they do choose to have sex. Is that true? If so, what can be done about it? Just so you know, I do masturbate.

—Celibate But Interested in Future Prospects

Dear Celibate But Interested,

This was new to me, so I spent quite some time researching the topic to see if I could find any truth to what you mentioned. I checked various sources using medical terms and youth slang, but I found nothing. No evidence that a woman in her 30s might experience vaginal atrophy specifically due to not having partnered sex.

Vaginal atrophy, a term that has evolved into being part of something larger known as genitourinary syndrome of menopause, refers to thinning and drying of the inner vagina lining which can occur due to reduced estrogen levels. This condition is most commonly associated with menopause, but it can also arise from hormonal changes during postpartum, breastfeeding, or hormone therapy among other factors. Women often notice variations in lubrication throughout their menstrual cycles as well.

The “use it or lose it” advice you referenced typically applies to women nearing menopause. In this context, masturbation is a way to “use it” without needing a partner. If your experience with masturbation lacks penetration, it’s possible to feel a bit tight or even awkward at first. It’s a learning process, and focus on what feels pleasurable rather than pressuring yourself for penetration.

It’s not clear where you got your information, but it seems possible you might have misheard or your understanding came from an unclear source. Maybe a friend shared an article that discussed sexual health as one ages, or perhaps a misunderstanding arose during a conversation with a man trying to discuss sexual matters in a, well, perhaps misguided way.

Dehydration can also affect mucous membranes, which includes vaginal tissues. Things like alcohol, not drinking enough water, and even smoking could contribute. Having a sedentary lifestyle can impact sexual satisfaction too, while studies show orgasms can enhance pelvic floor tone. The orgasms you give yourself can help there. Kegel exercises are useful, but just don’t go overboard. It’s not like you need to perform extraordinary feats with your vagina or anything. Stress can play a big role in how your body feels too. Overall, maintaining good hydration, a sensible diet, and consistent exercise can work wonders for your sexual health.

If you’re not regularly visiting a gynecologist, I’d suggest starting. They can provide a physical exam and discuss any questions you might have about your body. Establishing that relationship is beneficial, especially if you become sexually active or notice unexpected changes. Besides, certain routine examinations, like breast checks, are still necessary regardless of previous sexual experiences.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 28-year-old woman in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who is 29. We’ve been together for about two and a half years, and initially, we were friends with benefits, which was fantastic. However, now he struggles with erectile dysfunction. After trying ED medication once and feeling it wasn’t right for him—we’re both unsure how to approach the situation again.

Apart from that, he’s recently come back home, and my anticipation for intimacy is really high. Unfortunately, his ED seems to be worse now, making our recent sexual experience fall short of expectations.

I’ve focused on his pleasure, wanting him to feel good, since I know adding pressure for my orgasm won’t help. But honestly, it’s been frustrating—especially when he loses his erection so quickly. He usually offers alternatives to help me, but I feel there’s an unwillingness to go the extra mile for what I need.

He won’t perform oral sex on me, and that’s been a big hurdle. While he suggests alternatives like using his fingers or toys, they just don’t have the same effect. I find dildos uncomfortable, and though I’ve tried guiding him in how to finger me, it hasn’t clicked yet. We often use vibrators, which are fine, but it lacks that intimate connection. Oral sex has always been my most reliable way to orgasm, and it’s disheartening that he refuses to do it—even though he acknowledges that it’s a reasonable request.

It’s not that he holds any archaic views about oral sex; really, he just has performance anxiety. Not that he’s ever gone down on me for long, but I’ve had worse experiences than the few times he has. I don’t criticize him because I’m grateful for his efforts. It’s definitely not a hygiene issue; I’m quite meticulous, and I’ve confirmed he feels the same way.

While I hate to pressure him, I feel hurt that there’s this imbalance—especially because I’m generous when it comes to oral. He finishes often, yet my success rate is much lower. I need input on how to improve our situation, as sex is crucial for me in a relationship. I think I can see a future with him, but I can’t envision that future if oral isn’t in it.

—It Doesn’t Help That My Ex Had a Golden Tongue

Dear It Doesn’t Help,

Having a partner who isn’t openly misogynistic is a plus, but still, exceeding basic expectations can be rare. Before diving into important conversations, reflect on how essential receiving oral sex is to you.

Is it absolutely necessary for satisfaction? Does it stem from the physical act itself, or is it more about the desire from him to focus on your pleasure? Consider whether his engagement in that moment is what makes the experience fulfilling for you. Would a different kind of intimate interaction suffice, as long as he engaged in that kind of focused contact with you?

If oral sex is a priority for you, think about anything you might have done that influences his nerves about it. For instance, mentioning your ex’s talents could affect him. It might be beneficial to discuss if there’s anything you’ve said, even indirectly, that raised his performance anxiety. When you haven’t voiced criticisms, have you also missed opportunities to give gentle, constructive feedback? Consider asking him if he’d be open to guidance that would help both of you feel more comfortable.

It’s vital to communicate openly about essential needs in a relationship. There’s a fine line between expressing needs and crossing into coercion. Ideally, such conversations should begin in the early stages of sexual exploration. In your case, addressing the gap between your desires and his willingness to fulfill them is crucial. Depending on your views about monogamy, exploring an open relationship could also provide solutions, as long as it aligns with your comfort and boundaries regarding finding that satisfaction elsewhere.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often have fantastic insights and suggestions for others in our community. Jessica and Rich will address some of this feedback each month.

Dear How to Do It,

What’s a compromise between one partner who enjoys doggy style and another who prefers not to engage in that position at all?

—Doggone It

Dear Doggone It,

This situation needs more detail. What does one person like about doggy style, and what does the other dislike? If it’s simply that one enjoys the disconnection and the other seeks intimacy, coming to a compromise might be tough outside of simply alternating preferences. If the issue revolves around angles or sensations, finding a middle ground is likely a matter of exploration specific to your unique bodies. Feel free to elaborate on specifics, and I’ll do my best to assist you with tailored advice.

—Jessica

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